Gone Too Soon by Daughtry
Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry
Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah
Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've give all I had
Would've loved you like no other
Who would you be?
What would you look like
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah
Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah
And not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
Friday, January 18, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
Anxiety
Please forgive any tangents or misspellings this post might offer.. I might be writing this with a couple of glasses of wine in my system :)
It's crazy what can bring on the worse bouts of anxiety for me since losing Preston. Seeing a pregnant person or newborn baby is a given- especially as I get closer to the due date, but it's the random things that bring on the worst anxiety and leave me gasping for air.
All week I had planned on taking Rylee to the zoo today. It called for particularly warm weather, though it was expected to be a bit windy. She was excited to "see the anminals" and I was excited to get out of the house- seriously, we have got to get enrolled in dance or gymnastics soon! Anyways, this morning we had to make a quick trip to the grocery store for some pantry/fridge staples and then we were off to the zoo.
Rylee and I were dancing and singing in the car the whole way there. We even planned to go see Nana afterwards, so we were both excited for the day ahead. That's when we reached the entrance to the zoo, and I had a flashback.... Ya see, the last time we had went to the zoo was the day my bleeding got bad again when I was pregnant- 12 days before I had Preston. I saw him the next day in labor & delivery and all was well... but all I could think as we pulled into the zoo was how that day was the beginning of the end... I pulled into a parking spot and just tried to silently cry my fears and anxiety away- I didn't want to upset Rylee. I spent the entire time we were at the zoo talking to and describing things to Rylee, it was all I could do to keep my mind busy and focused elsewhere.
But as tonight as grown quiet in our house I keep going back to that moment when I saw the zoo entrance and freaked out. Seriously, its the random things that send me into that downward spiral faster than anything else.
I'm at the point that though I'm OK most days, I'm not sleeping well and I keep thinking about if there was anything that could've been done by me or the doctors to change our outcome. Specifically, when I started to get the fevers that last week, he still was alive, I heard his heartbeat 3 days into me being sick. If I would've sought treatment for those fevers could that have prolonged his time long enough to have him born alive and in the NICU? I keep focusing on things like this after everyone is asleep and my mind takes over....
I know that I can't change anything but the closer May gets here the higher my anxiety feels. I'm actually going to look into talking to someone. I really don't want to be medicated but I definitely think talking to someone about how I feel will help. Writing this blog helps wonders but I think I need to know if I actually need a professional's help or not.
With that said, tomorrow night Paul and I will be getting a date night (the night I had Preston was supposed to be a date night) so that will be nice to have some quiet time with him. Hopefully we can just have some good "us time" not "Rylee time" or "Preston time" or "sad time." I need some good quality "I love you time." It's been way too long...
I think I'll read some now and hopefully get some sleep before Rylee wakes up tonight- another thing we're dealing with in the Griffiths' house: night wakings... fun stuff never ends :)
It's crazy what can bring on the worse bouts of anxiety for me since losing Preston. Seeing a pregnant person or newborn baby is a given- especially as I get closer to the due date, but it's the random things that bring on the worst anxiety and leave me gasping for air.
All week I had planned on taking Rylee to the zoo today. It called for particularly warm weather, though it was expected to be a bit windy. She was excited to "see the anminals" and I was excited to get out of the house- seriously, we have got to get enrolled in dance or gymnastics soon! Anyways, this morning we had to make a quick trip to the grocery store for some pantry/fridge staples and then we were off to the zoo.
Rylee and I were dancing and singing in the car the whole way there. We even planned to go see Nana afterwards, so we were both excited for the day ahead. That's when we reached the entrance to the zoo, and I had a flashback.... Ya see, the last time we had went to the zoo was the day my bleeding got bad again when I was pregnant- 12 days before I had Preston. I saw him the next day in labor & delivery and all was well... but all I could think as we pulled into the zoo was how that day was the beginning of the end... I pulled into a parking spot and just tried to silently cry my fears and anxiety away- I didn't want to upset Rylee. I spent the entire time we were at the zoo talking to and describing things to Rylee, it was all I could do to keep my mind busy and focused elsewhere.
But as tonight as grown quiet in our house I keep going back to that moment when I saw the zoo entrance and freaked out. Seriously, its the random things that send me into that downward spiral faster than anything else.
I'm at the point that though I'm OK most days, I'm not sleeping well and I keep thinking about if there was anything that could've been done by me or the doctors to change our outcome. Specifically, when I started to get the fevers that last week, he still was alive, I heard his heartbeat 3 days into me being sick. If I would've sought treatment for those fevers could that have prolonged his time long enough to have him born alive and in the NICU? I keep focusing on things like this after everyone is asleep and my mind takes over....
I know that I can't change anything but the closer May gets here the higher my anxiety feels. I'm actually going to look into talking to someone. I really don't want to be medicated but I definitely think talking to someone about how I feel will help. Writing this blog helps wonders but I think I need to know if I actually need a professional's help or not.
With that said, tomorrow night Paul and I will be getting a date night (the night I had Preston was supposed to be a date night) so that will be nice to have some quiet time with him. Hopefully we can just have some good "us time" not "Rylee time" or "Preston time" or "sad time." I need some good quality "I love you time." It's been way too long...
I think I'll read some now and hopefully get some sleep before Rylee wakes up tonight- another thing we're dealing with in the Griffiths' house: night wakings... fun stuff never ends :)
Thursday, January 3, 2013
One Month
This post is late... and to be honest, it's because I was avoiding writing it. But tonight I figure I should.
Two days ago was 1 month since I had my own personal angel in my arms. The month has been a whirlwind of emotion. Because not only did I lose my son, we had holiday after holiday to celebrate, and then of course our little girls birthday! We were up and down all month. I worry now that things are settling down, we'll get it hit with emotion- and hit hard.
I do think this month hasn't been as it could be, at least for me. I could've fallen into a dark hole and refuse to come out. I could've been extremely angry at anyone and everyone. I could've just been numb or oblivious. But for the most part, I think I've been, well, me. Paul and I do a good job at checking in with each other to see how we're doing and handling things. We try not to focus on our loss too much. As much as we will always remember Preston and want to live in that moment forever, we can't freeze time and we have a little girl to raise. Some days that is hard, some days I just want to lay in bed and hold my heart shaped ceramic mold with his hand and feet impressions and just cry, but that just isn't fair to her. I know I don't always have to be strong for her or in front of her, but I can't completely lose myself- her mom- when she needs me too.
One of the hardest things I've had to encounter in this past month is baby boy clothes. I have heard a lot of moms of boys complain about how they can never find things for their boys to wear but for months (long before we knew what we were having) I've wanted to buy so many things from the baby boy section at Target. Seeing those little outfits have been one of those "hits me out of nowhere" reminders that hits hard. I try to stay away from that side of the kid section at the store now- I literally go all the way around to avoid it.
I had a moment of panic a couple of weeks ago. I was going to be seeing a friend who is currently pregnant with a little boy, and is due 3 weeks before I was. I was down and out of it for most of the week and kept telling Paul that I didn't want to go to this get-together but if he wanted me there I would be there. I didn't fully decide to go until a few hours before, and even then I was holding back the tears while getting ready. The anxiety that week absolutely killed me, and was SO much worse than actually seeing her! In fact, once we got to the party all was OK- really good even. Paul felt bad because he didn't realize until we were there that that was why I didn't want to go, but I was so happy I did. Our daughters got to play and I got some adult interaction- which is always a plus for a stay at home mom :) Plus I got over the anxiety of seeing a pregnant person- which had been a huge fear of mine.
In the past month, I've gone to Preston's grave 3 times. I thought I would be there more often, but I think I made the right choice of not having him closer, or I would probably spend too much time there. It has been hard every. single. time. But that's expected, right? No one plans to talk to their kid through dirt and a coffin. Another thing every time I go to see him, I'm amazed at the number of graves there are in the Garden of Angels- the area Floral Haven uses for kids 12 and under. So many people have lost so many babies, it's heart breaking, but in a sick way reassuring. I've always known I'm not alone in this, and have even talked a lot with someone who has gone through this a few months before me, but being there reaffirms that I'm not the only mom who has a piece of her heart in that ground.
We plan on ordering Preston's memorial stone in the next few weeks, hopefully. We need to get some details first, but both of us hate that the only thing marking him is a piece of laminated paper with his name, so we're wanting it done sooner rather than later.
The next month, and well the future, is completely up for grabs at the moment. We're going day to day, one step at a time. We know there will be some set backs along the way, but hopefully we can keep pushing forward- that's our only option anyways. Maybe some day we will have the family we planned long before we got married, or maybe we already have the family God intended us to have- either way, we are happy... and broken.... but we will survive no matter what life throws at us. This we know for sure since I don't really think life can throw much more at us at this point.
Two days ago was 1 month since I had my own personal angel in my arms. The month has been a whirlwind of emotion. Because not only did I lose my son, we had holiday after holiday to celebrate, and then of course our little girls birthday! We were up and down all month. I worry now that things are settling down, we'll get it hit with emotion- and hit hard.
I do think this month hasn't been as it could be, at least for me. I could've fallen into a dark hole and refuse to come out. I could've been extremely angry at anyone and everyone. I could've just been numb or oblivious. But for the most part, I think I've been, well, me. Paul and I do a good job at checking in with each other to see how we're doing and handling things. We try not to focus on our loss too much. As much as we will always remember Preston and want to live in that moment forever, we can't freeze time and we have a little girl to raise. Some days that is hard, some days I just want to lay in bed and hold my heart shaped ceramic mold with his hand and feet impressions and just cry, but that just isn't fair to her. I know I don't always have to be strong for her or in front of her, but I can't completely lose myself- her mom- when she needs me too.
One of the hardest things I've had to encounter in this past month is baby boy clothes. I have heard a lot of moms of boys complain about how they can never find things for their boys to wear but for months (long before we knew what we were having) I've wanted to buy so many things from the baby boy section at Target. Seeing those little outfits have been one of those "hits me out of nowhere" reminders that hits hard. I try to stay away from that side of the kid section at the store now- I literally go all the way around to avoid it.
I had a moment of panic a couple of weeks ago. I was going to be seeing a friend who is currently pregnant with a little boy, and is due 3 weeks before I was. I was down and out of it for most of the week and kept telling Paul that I didn't want to go to this get-together but if he wanted me there I would be there. I didn't fully decide to go until a few hours before, and even then I was holding back the tears while getting ready. The anxiety that week absolutely killed me, and was SO much worse than actually seeing her! In fact, once we got to the party all was OK- really good even. Paul felt bad because he didn't realize until we were there that that was why I didn't want to go, but I was so happy I did. Our daughters got to play and I got some adult interaction- which is always a plus for a stay at home mom :) Plus I got over the anxiety of seeing a pregnant person- which had been a huge fear of mine.
In the past month, I've gone to Preston's grave 3 times. I thought I would be there more often, but I think I made the right choice of not having him closer, or I would probably spend too much time there. It has been hard every. single. time. But that's expected, right? No one plans to talk to their kid through dirt and a coffin. Another thing every time I go to see him, I'm amazed at the number of graves there are in the Garden of Angels- the area Floral Haven uses for kids 12 and under. So many people have lost so many babies, it's heart breaking, but in a sick way reassuring. I've always known I'm not alone in this, and have even talked a lot with someone who has gone through this a few months before me, but being there reaffirms that I'm not the only mom who has a piece of her heart in that ground.
We plan on ordering Preston's memorial stone in the next few weeks, hopefully. We need to get some details first, but both of us hate that the only thing marking him is a piece of laminated paper with his name, so we're wanting it done sooner rather than later.
The next month, and well the future, is completely up for grabs at the moment. We're going day to day, one step at a time. We know there will be some set backs along the way, but hopefully we can keep pushing forward- that's our only option anyways. Maybe some day we will have the family we planned long before we got married, or maybe we already have the family God intended us to have- either way, we are happy... and broken.... but we will survive no matter what life throws at us. This we know for sure since I don't really think life can throw much more at us at this point.
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