30 weeks!

How far along are you?: 30 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: -1lb

Sleep: sometimes great, sometimes not so much

Best moment this week: trick or treating with Rylee was a blast

Movement: strong but very random and sometimes she goes hours without moving, then gets an energy burst

Food cravings/aversion: Potato soup... oh my gosh I would kill for a bowl right about now

Gender: Girl!

Belly Button in or out: In, starting to get funky looking and flat at the top

What I miss: not stressing about pregnancy

What I'm looking forward to: seeing Maddie on Tuesday

Milestones: Only 10 weeks left!

Not much has been going on on the baby front. Madelyn's room is almost done decoration-wise, but there's still a lot of organizing to do to get it officially ready. Though as long as she has a place to sleep and a car seat to get home safely in, and some clothes to wear, I'm not too worried. 

There were a couple of days this week that I thought we were going to have a Halloween baby. There was a lot of pressure and some contractions (most likely Braxton Hicks) that had me down for awhile, and we were seriously close to heading to L&D. Thankfully, they let up and I'm just making sure I don't overdo it. It's still way too early for her to enter this world. I plan on talking to my doctor about it on Tuesday to make sure everything is still looking good and that she's of course still healthy. Her lack of movement during the day freaks me out sometimes, which of course probably doesn't help. 

Paul and I are just so ready for her to be in our arms where she belongs. I'm hoping with the approaching holidays and birthdays that what little time is left flies by. 

Viability

How far along are you?: 24 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: -1lb

Sleep: finally

Best moment this week: spending time with our siblings with an impromptu game night

Movement: very active in the morning and before bed, gives me random kicks throughout the day so I don't panic

Food cravings/aversion: Still no mac & cheese or eggs

Gender: Girl!

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: at the moment, not much of anything

What I'm looking forward to: seeing Maddie on Tuesday

Milestones: Viability!!

24 weeks marks a very significant date in anyone that has experienced a pregnancy/child loss (or anyone who knows and understands the importance of this time). This moment in pregnancy indicates that the fetus is now viable and with extreme life saving measures and a top rated NICU a baby born now could survive. Thankfully, we are delivering at a hospital that has a highly rated NICU and Children's Hospital. Hopefully, it won't be necessary but I like knowing that we will have easy access to it if need be. Once we made it past 17 weeks, 24 weeks was my goal to shoot for, now that we are here, it's all about sitting back and enjoying the rest of this crazy ride (like I'll actually be able to do that haha). I know that horrible things can still happen after 24 weeks, but the comfort that something could be done to save Madelyn if worse comes to worse is indescribable. 

This past week I made the crib skirt for Maddie's room and it looks FANTASTIC :) or at least I think it does! I'm really happy with how it turned out. Next on the list is the curtains for her room. I had one idea in mind, but today my mom mentioned something that I like more, so we'll see about that :) I'm going to give my back time to recover first before venturing into that project though. 

I'm so happy with how things are coming together and the time inbetween it all taking place. With Rylee, we got everything done all at once that the end of the pregnancy seemed to last even longer. Now that we have a toddler and know there's really no rush and as long as we have a car seat and a place for her to sleep we are more than prepared, we are taking our time, which makes the pregnancy seem like it's going along at a nice speed- though I'm so ready for January and for her to be here (but that's because I'm not the enjoyable pregnant woman). 

Rylee loves her little sister so much already. She talks to her almost daily and tells me all the things she's going to teach Maddie and all the things they are going to do together. I can't wait to actually watch them grow together and have that sisterly bond. We are at such a great place with Rylee's age and with this pregnancy that life is pretty fantastic in our familial department of life. I couldn't imagine having it any other way- obviously other than Preston being here. 

Tuesday, we get to go see Little Sister and make sure all is going well. I'm sure that it is, she seems bigger and stronger every week from where she punches and kicks me. Can't wait to see what she looks like now :) 

4 years

A lot was going on around this time 4 years ago. We were in the process of buying our house and getting our apartment packed up. We were also newlyweds, which is huge in of itself. But something EXTRA HUGE happened on this day 4 years ago.

Paul was a 2A and worked the early morning Friday shift at work. I got up to get ready for work but decided to do something first. I took a pregnancy test, I wasn't technically late, but had a feeling. And this is what I saw....

I absolutely freaked out. I was completely ecstatic. I immediately called Paul and told me- there was no way I was going to make it through a day at work without telling him. He was of course thrilled. 

That evening after work we decided to have an impromptu date night- one of the things I loved about living in Tulsa, everything was right there. I'm sure we went to dinner but I have no clue where. We went to Barnes & Noble and picked up a few pregnancy books, walked around the baby section at Target and "ohhh" and "ahhh" at everything, and then we ended the night putt-putting. 

It was such a fantastic evening. We were on cloud 9, and we had a secret that no one else knew and we relished in it. The next day Paul took off work and we went to an Arkansas Razorback game with my parents- still keeping our secret and giving each other secret smiles and winks.

Words cannot truly describe what we went through those first few days. There was so much love and so much excitement shared between us. Little did we know our lives would change forever in just 4 short weeks, but at this moment 4 years ago, we were happy. 

We still love our Peanut and always will. 

20 WEEKS!!!

How far along are you?: 20 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: -1lb

Sleep: hahahaha only with the help of some lavender oil

Best moment this week: seeing my little girl this past Monday

Movement: very active in the morning and Paul has felt her already

Food cravings/aversion: I'm hungry

Gender: Girl!

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: brushing my teeth without dry heaving

What I'm looking forward to: getting the nursery painted

Milestones: HALFWAY!!!!!

Today marks our halfway point! I'm so excited to be on the downhill slope with this pregnancy. The first half was a rough one, emotionally and physically- so I'm happy to be over the hump. 

Last night laying in bed Paul could feel Maddie rolling around in my stomach and his eyes were priceless! So cool to see him get excited and experience all of this again. We are finishing up the painting for the nursery this weekend, as soon as we pick out what gray we want to use on the walls. 

We also made the decision to change OB providers. Nothing was wrong with who we were using, I just want to deliver at a different hospital that he doesn't deliver at. So I'm changing to my cousin's OB who came highly recommended from some other moms I know. Even better, he does ultrasounds at every visit, so I will getting to see my little girl all the time now. How exciting is that?! I meet with him the first time on Tuesday, and I'm pretty excited and feel very confident this is the change we were meant to make. 

This whole experience has been surreal and as much as I'm ready to have her here I know I'll never experience this again and that makes me a little sad. But I know that will all go away when I have her in my arms. 

Perfection

Yesterday we had our mid-pregnancy ultrasound and though the images weren't that impressive in my book (compared to others), it was absolute perfection. I was surprised when we got there and they were using my original due date of 1/11, so I'm excited that that is what I'll be using from now on (meaning there will be no 19 week update, since it bumped me up 5 days)! Madelyn's head and torso was measuring 1 week behind, but Rylee's always did that too and when I was pregnant with Rylee the tech told me those values were accurate +/- 1 week. Her long legs were measuring right on schedule though. She had a heart rate of 141bpm and this tech confirmed to us that we do in fact have a girl in there :) I was pretty worried since I just bought a bunch of baby girl clothes at JBF that she would end up a he. We didn't get any front of face shots because she was being pretty stubborn and kept her hands in front of her face the whole time, but the slight profile view we got is great and I got to compare the pic to Rylee's 19 week ultrasound. I think there's a good chance they'll look similar, but still have distinct facial qualities. It's all going to come down to the color and quantity of hair haha

My OB called today and let me know all looked normal and great on the ultrasound. So happy to not have to worry about that pesky tissue mass anymore and I can potentially enjoy the rest of this pregnancy.

Even better, laying in bed last night, Paul had his head on my stomach. Madelyn gave him 3 swift kicks to the ear and he felt the last one :) What a special moment for all of us! Now I can't wait for Rylee to feel her kick.

18 weeks

How far along are you?: 18 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: -2lb

Sleep: getting better some nights

Best moment this week: getting the spare room cleaned up

Movement: still not often, but it's more random, not just when I'm laying down

Food cravings/aversion: eggs are not my friend

Gender: Girl!

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: not getting sick all the time

What I'm looking forward to: another ultrasound in 4 days!

Milestones: Less then 10 weeks until 3rd trimester :) size of a bell pepper

Not much going on here except planning things for the nursery since we got it all cleaned out. We had A LOT of stuff in there that we'd accumulated the past 4 years. I'm also dealing with ANOTHER sinus cold, which stinks, but I'm looking into stuff that can possibly help out- ya know, like exercise and more rest :) the things I'm already supposed to be doing haha 

Next week is going to busy, well at least Monday and Tuesday will be. Monday, Rylee has a dentist appointment, I have an ultrasound appointment, meeting someone to buy some diapers, and I'm hoping to squeeze in JBF and a chiropractic adjustment too. Tuesday, Rylee has her first dance class without me. I'm so excited for her and I hope she enjoys it. 

I'm really hoping that at my ultrasound they move my due date back up, who wants a later due date?! We shall see! We will get to check on all of her organs and make sure everything is growing properly. I just can't wait to see her again :) 

Commitment

So this will be a short post, but it's such a huge event in our lives I had to blog about it.

Yesterday, in front of our church and my mom (most everyone else was out of town), Paul and I got baptized. We were supposed to back in May, but Rylee was sick and I was having some what I thought to be pregnancy complications, so we ended up not even attending church that weekend- we did watch Church Online though (seriously best thing ever). So yesterday, our church had one of their Baptism Bashes and 67 people got baptized- HOW AWESOME IS THAT?! I'm so excited for our future with God and this church.

Even better, my mom who I swore wouldn't like it (she had a very different church upbringing) told me tonight that in 16 years of living here she has never heard a pastor she likes more. She felt like it was passionate and really cared about what he was doing. She said she wants to go back! I'm so excited that she came and enjoyed it. I can't even explain!!

So that is all for the night. Just real happy with what my little man led our family to and I can't wait to see where we go from here.

17 weeks

How far along are you?: 17 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: -4lb

Sleep: If Rylee slept past 6am, it would be so much better

Best moment this week: Feeling Miss Maddie move around

Movement: I think she wakes up when I lay still long enough and starts dancing around, it's great... I'm not getting anything done. 

Food cravings/aversion: I'm just hungry

Gender: Girl!

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: not much at the moment

What I'm looking forward to: Seeing my little girl again on the 19th

Milestones: 17 weeks is a pretty huge milestone for us

Oh sweet little girl, it's crazy that I basically know how big you are right now. At this moment, I was holding your big brother and because of that I can guess a lot about how you look right now. Crazy stuff! Rylee has been talking to my tummy more, and even doing it on her own randomly. She is so ready to hold and play with her little sister. This past week my cousin had a baby girl and she's convinced that that is her little sister and wants to hold and play with her daily. I guess it'll be good practice for the real thing!

Is it January yet?!

Flip flopping..

Wow, 3 posts in 1 week. Kind of a miracle, wouldn't you say? I have to chronicle another great moment. I've been feeling flutters and some rolls/stretching for a few weeks now, but last night laying on the couch I felt definite kicks, pops, rolls, etc. Luckily, I was watching a movie so I got to lay in that spot for 2-ish hours and feel my baby girl moving around. Then I went and laid in bed and didn't want to fall asleep because she was still moving around. I truly forgot how amazing that feeling is, and I can not wait for Paul to move able to feel her. This morning after Rylee woke me up, Madelyn gave me 2 swift kicks as if saying "yeah get up mom!" or maybe it was more "ugh, let's go back to sleep" :)

I never thought I could be this in love again. I can't even describe the love I feel for this unborn baby. I have no fears any longer and I'm looking forward to getting her room ready. We're DIYing most of the room and I can't wait for it to have a little bit of all of us in there- I think I'll even let Rylee make some of the wall art :)

Sugar and Spice

Today has been the absolute best day for this pregnancy. Not because I didn't have any cramps or wasn't in pain some part of the day, but because when I saw my little baby on the monitor today not only was there a heartbeat but there was no visible sign of the mass we saw 8 weeks ago!! Praise the Lord Jesus!!! I have never wanted to cry such happy tears during an ultrasound scan- I'm not one of those women that lose it at the first blob, yes I get excited but no tears. Sprout was in some kind of yoga position for part of the scan, had the legs completely straight rolled over the head. Holy long legs, Batman!! I still can't believe I get to bring another miracle home in a couple of months. I can't wait to really start preparing for this sweet baby. Rylee is so very thrilled about seeing what's in mommy's belly and she's even more excited about what the sex of Sprout is, it's what's she's been saying this whole pregnancy.

And here is little Sprout

Miss Madelyn Grace

Yup, this winter we will bringing home another little girl :) Though I was convinced, and all the Old Wive's Tales were too, that this little was a boy, I couldn't be more excited to give Rylee a little sister. I can't wait to raise another beautiful little girl. 

The yoga move I was speaking of. Legs stretch the length at the top, then you can see the roll of the butt to the back on the left and eventually see part of the head at the bottom of the roll. 

I'm so in love, I didn't even think it was possible. Is it January yet?!

16 weeks and 8 months

So, it's been over a month since I posted. Oops... today, I want to start with Preston and end with Sprout, so that we end on a positive :)

Today, has been 8 months since I've held my sweet, sleeping little boy. I can not fathom that it has been that long. It feels just like it was yesterday. I can still remember every single detail about him even though I haven't seen him since the night he was born. I'll never forget being in awe that he had finger and toenails, that was just mystifying to me for some reason. You read about it and when you're baby is born at the end of your pregnancy you expect it, but for some reason it was just crazy to me. Being 16 weeks pregnant now is kind of terrifying for me. 16 weeks with Preston is when things went from bad to worse. I started experiencing extremely high fevers, severe cramping and bleeding, the worst headaches of my life. 16w3d was the last time I heard his heartbeat, though I tried finding it for several days after that, and ultimately had him the day I turned 17 weeks.

Thankfully, this time around, other than some light to moderate cramping and stabby feelings, and a 24 hour fever from a cold Rylee gave me, I've felt pretty OK. I don't want to say great, because I haven't felt great. The cramps can be severe at times, nothing like with Preston, but they still hurt like the dickens and I have to lay down. I've also felt very sore in the baby area, thinking maybe it's just from being pregnant kind of back-to-back and things stretching faster. My doctor doesn't seem concerned about it. I just can't believe, technically, a week from now I was holding Preston, just 8 months ago- clear as mud?? Already, enough negativity... I still miss my little boy daily, but I'm starting to get real excited about this pregnancy...

How far along are you?: 16 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: -3lb

Sleep: Some nights are good, some nights are horrible... last night was horrible

Best moment this week: Rylee kissing my tummy yesterday

Movement: Sometimes I think I feel something, but not certain... was truly expecting it by now though

Food cravings/aversion: mac & cheese and quesadillas are on my "never again while pregnant" list.... anything salty, starchy, full of protein is my go-to at this point

Gender: Find out in 2 days hopefully

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: clothes fitting comfortably

What I'm looking forward to: seeing Sprout in 2 days and hopefully finding out boy or girl!

Milestones: Making it this far without losing my mind? Haha I don't really know... baby is about the size of an avocado.. oh and Paul and I agreed on names recently :) 

This Sprout is so very loved and I can't wait to see his/her face again. The mass that is potentially growing with babe will prayerfully be gone when I get the ultrasound on Saturday- though it's just a quick one it should be easily spotted if it's still there. I scheduled our official mid-pregnancy ultrasound yesterday for the 19th. So that's exciting to be able to see all of the important organs and get an official check on the mass. I've been doing some research and if the mass continues to grow it could definitely cause some issues and babe will most likely have to be born early due to either lack of or too much amniotic fluid- I've read some articles as early as 33 weeks. I pray that this isn't the case but I know that God knows what He's doing and if babe is born early than Paul and I will get through it the best way we know how... together. I just can't wait to bring this little bit home and move closer to completing our family- we're considering adoption in the future since I don't plan on being pregnant ever again! 

Truly, I'm getting excited this pregnancy and the further we get the more excited I am. I even bought some newborn cloth diapers and will hopefully get a few things from JBF on this tax free weekend once we find out what he/she is. I'm making plans for the 3rd bedroom and potential "sip and see" rather than a baby shower for after baby is born. Thinking about the future is quite the positive and not just waiting for a shoe to drop, I talk to Rylee about the baby daily and she tells me she's not a big sister yet lol some days she wants a baby brother and others she wants a baby sister (in fact it tends to change from minute to minute). Can't wait to tell her what she'll be having :) 

I still can't find my camera cord so I've stopped taking weekly pictures for now, but I do take some self portraits and put them on instagram/facebook, but that's a picture-y as it's going to get for now. 

11 weeks

Long time, no post. The past several weeks have been kind of surreal for me. I know that I'm pregnant- the amount of hunger I feel every couple of hours reminds me of that- but I just don't feel pregnant. Heck, I even look pregnant- I never have a bump this early- but I just can't wrap my head around it. Tomorrow is my 2nd appointment with my OB- I never had a second appointment with Preston, I cancelled my 2nd appointment with my old OB and scheduled with my new one, but was having to wait an additional month for it.

This 11th week is pretty significant and frightening for me. 11 weeks 2 days is when I started having bleeding and severe cramping with Preston. I'll be 11 weeks and 2 days tomorrow. I know it's not logical to think that tomorrow the floor is going to fall out from under me, but it''s still there in the back of my mind. Tomorrow, my OB plans on trying to pick up baby's heartbeat with a fetal doppler. I have yet to pick it up with my doppler, so it makes me a bit worried since I picked up Preston's heartbeat around 10 weeks. Hopefully, they calm my nerves and find it, even if it takes awhile.

I keep thinking about this "soft tissue mass" that is in the sac with Sprout and all the things that could be happening because of it. I worry about it not allowing for proper growth, about it growing and squishing the baby, or that it could just be diminishing in size and causing no issues. Honestly, that last option doesn't frequent my thoughts.

I hate that I feel so negative, or pessimistic, this go round, and if all turns out alright I worry that I'll regret not enjoying every minute of this, but it's SO HARD. I can't even explain how hard it is to try and be excited. I can't wait to see our babe again and hopefully put this fear behind us.

Until next time

2nd ultrasound

So I've gotten behind on my pregnancy updates- still taking pictures, but can't find my cord to upload them to my computer.

Yesterday, we had our second ultrasound. The first one through the PRC showed a small white mass in the sac with the baby, on the opposite side of the sac. The tech had no idea what it was. I mentioned it to Dr. T at my first appointment last week and he ordered an ultrasound so he could get a look at it- I never got pics from the PRC since their printer was done.

We went in yesterday and I was very very nervous. I've had some cramping, nothing as bad as I had with Preston, but still worrisome because of my history. I wasn't expecting good news, but was happy to see the flicker of the heartbeat yesterday of our Sprout. Unfortunately, I also saw the mass still. Not only was it bigger, and now lumpy, but it has also moved to be right next to baby. I've had several ultrasounds at this time of pregnancy and have NEVER seen anything like that, and I can't find anything on Dr. Google either. Still waiting to hear from OB about the radiologist's report, but kind of expecting bad news or more tests at the very least.

Here are the pictures of our Sprout, and that nasty little bother. Baby is in the lower right of the sac and the mass is above baby in both pictures. The circle with mostly black in the center is the yolk sac.

6 weeks

5/19

How far along are you?: 6 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 0

Sleep: So excited

Best moment this week: lounging the weekend away- it's been our first non-busy weekend

Movement: Too early

Food cravings/aversion: Eggs aren't my favorite but I'm still eating them for breakfast

Gender: I have a hunch

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: Being able to enjoy pregnancy

What I'm looking forward to: I signed up to be a "model" for an ultrasound training class on the 24th.. just 5 more days!

Milestones: Sprout's heart is now beating and it's the size of a sweet pea

This morning I woke up to pretty intense cramps- not as bad as with Preston, but still bad- and brown spotting/discharge. I spent the day chugging water and the spotting is gone but I'm still having some bad cramps. Hoping to rest and have it gone soon. 

Paul and I were supposed to get baptized today but Rylee woke up sick and with the spotting we knew we just couldn't leave the house. I know Satan is trying to rip us from our newfound faith, but he will not succeed! We still watched this week's sermon thanks to LifeChurch.tv's Church Online program. We got to sing some worship songs with Rylee then watch Pastor Craig's sermon. We printed out and went over Rylee's lesson from LifeKids.tv so she still got to do some of what she would've had we gone. She was still upset that we didn't go to church, as were we, but it was just a risk we couldn't take. We are ready to get back next week though, and participate in the next baptisms! Satan won't keep us away for our Living God! 

5 weeks

5/12

How far along are you?: 5 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 0

Sleep: I could nap... I never nap

Best moment this week: Spending Mother's Day with everyone in my family

Movement: Too early

Food cravings/aversion: I eat everything put in front of me at this point- ugh except the smoothie I made this morning

Gender: Too early

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: not a thing- I feel so incredibly blessed to be pregnant again

What I'm looking forward to: My first appointment on the 28th

Milestones: Nothing really, I guess Sprout has gone from the size of a poppyseed to the size of an apple seed so yay for growing!

I can't believe I'm pregnant again. I'm not having too many symptoms. I'm exhausted, pee all the time, and waves of nausea come over me. I can't brush my teeth without gagging (a symptom I have with every pregnancy) but at least I'm not throwing up yet. I pray that this is our take home baby and we get to love and snuggle and cuddle this baby to our heart's content come January. 

Due Date

So Saturday would've been my due date with Preston. We were incredibly busy that day. Katrina and Annice graduated from TU, then there were graduation parties and Miss Vivi's 1st birthday party. Luckily, we got a chance to go out to Floral Haven and visit our little man. It was short lived because Rylee wanted to sprint through the cemetery- aren't 2 year olds fun? But we both got some alone time with him. I had a sob fest while there, but thankfully that was the only time I lost it during the day. I think being busy turned out to be a positive. I don't think there is much more I want to say about Saturday- it was mostly a normal weekend day for us, with a touch of sadness to the day for what could have been.

Here we go again....

May 7th

Oh goodness, I'm so excited to be typing this post (even though I won't be publishing it for quite some time)! I took a test this morning and I am pregnant AGAIN! As much as I wanted to tell Paul in a fun way, I called him immediately. There was no keeping that a secret for any longer than I had to. With Preston's due date just 4 days away, this has got to be the best time for us to find out. I immediately praised God and thanked Him for giving us this opportunity again and answering my prayers. God's will is such an amazing thing.

As much as I thought I would be scared or worried, I'm so thrilled to be embarking on this journey again. Most likely for the last time- I don't know what the outcome will be of this pregnancy, but no matter what I don't know that I want to go through the stress of trying to get pregnant and then dealing with early pregnancy and the worry that causes again. I do feel like fostering or adopting is in our future though- but that is a different subject for a different time.

The whole focus right now is I'M PREGNANT AGAIN! :) I haven't called the doctor yet because I want to let everything sink it before having to worry about doc appts and ultrasounds and blood tests, etc. I just want to enjoy these few moments of just being pregnant and the only people that know are myself, Paul, and Rylee :)

38 weeks

Today is significant for me for 2 reasons.

First, today I would've been 38 weeks pregnant. This is important to me because I had Rylee at 38 weeks pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant with Preston I counted out 38 weeks and figured I would have a baby close to or around this day. However true or false that could have been- lets face it all babies are different and come whenever they chose- it was what I thought in my head.

Secondly, today it has been exactly 5 months since the last time I heard Preston's heart beat. I'll never forget that moment- I had a video but I think Rylee accidentally deleted it- because it is forever engrained in my brain. I'll never forget how scared I knew he was, and that he was in pain. It was probably one of the scariest moments of my pregnancy- other than waiting for the confirmation that he was no longer with us.

The fact that these 2 events have fallen on the same day has proven emotionally difficult for me. I slept most of the day away, and has tried to compensate the sad feelings with spending time with my family and enjoying what I do have in my life. As we get closer to May 11th I feel Paul and I being closer and farther apart at the same time- it's hard to explain. I feel like I'm leaning on him more for things around the house, but emotionally I'm going into my own place. I know this isn't healthy or right, but it's just something that has been happening- or at least for me it has, I can't really speak for him. Hopefully we can get back to being on the same page in all respects.

On a happier, more positive note! Rylee turned 2 years 4 months old today- I know monthly birthdays aren't as important anymore, but I love counting down and getting to the 27th each month. She's learning and growing so much each month that I can hardly imagine when she was a newborn anymore. She loves to read and to sing and to dance and to draw/color. She can even draw a smiley face on her own. Its the cutest thing.

Even better, we claimed this little beauty as our own today. Sweet Harlee will be coming to live with us in about a month when she's 6 weeks old.

Proof

I promised I'd share the mock-up of Preston's headstone when we got it. Apparently it come through 2 weeks ago, but I tend to just delete my spam messages without reading them and that is where it was. But anyways, here it is:

It's exactly what we wanted. Can't wait to see the finished product.

Unexpected

I've been debating this post for a couple of days now. I know the people this involves read my blog, and I don't want them to doubt the love and happiness I have for them. I don't want them to think the things Paul or I have told them have been a farce, because it isn't. But I've been very open and honest about my emotions since losing Preston and I don't want to be dishonest now.

But I want to preface this post with this:

Josh and Staci, we love you guys so much. We are beyond thrilled for you guys and for bringing Noah into this world. Nothing I'm about to post negates any of that. My happiness for you guys honestly doesn't have words, it's nothing something I can explain, but Paul and I are so happy for you both and Zoey and the new adventure you have embarked on.

Ok, here it goes:

Since losing Preston, Paul's best friend, Josh, has checked up on his and made sure we were doing alright. Ya see, his wife, Staci, and I were pregnant at the same time, again. Zoey and Rylee were born 5 weeks apart and we were on that journey together again. Both of our families were thrilled to have babies born together again. Of course, after losing Preston, it would be they would have a baby at the end of this journey and we wouldn't. Every time Paul talked to Josh about this, he reiterated how excited we were for them, and that yes it would probably be a little painful, but that didn't change how happy we were that they would be welcoming a baby into this world. Never once was Paul being untruthful about this, because we were excited, especially when we found out they were having a little boy (and of course we found out we were too).

As the days went on this was still true. Even the day I knew Staci was having her little boy was I thrilled- because well, it was my birthday and how great to have a beautiful little baby born on my birthday into a family that I adore! I waited all day to hear that he was born and to see pictures. I didn't feel well on my birthday so after Paul got home I went to go have a warm bath, but I checked my Facebook before heading that way. And there he was, so beautiful, and I was prepared for the wonderful newbie happiness I had expected to feel.

However, the unexpected happened. I started sobbing uncontrollably and I couldn't stop. I went to my bath that was running and sat there crying my heart out. My body was racked with sobs, and I knew right then and there that my heart was breaking all over again. For the first time since losing Preston, I asked God "why?!" I cried out to Him in all my weaknesses. I was hurting but I was confused. I NEVER expected to feel what I felt at that moment. I expected it to hurt a little, but to be mostly happy for my friends.

I guess I had been in the bathroom for awhile because Paul came to check on me and he knew as soon as he saw me what had happened. I was so embarrassed I asked him to leave. I didn't want anyone to know how hurt and confused this happy thing made me. I've seen and held babies since losing Preston, which is why this threw me for a loop. I've hardly talked to Paul about that moment since it happened last week. Like I said, I'm embarrassed, especially since this action doesn't match up with how I really feel for my friends. I know it's something I need to talk to him about, because I also don't want him to think I've been untruthful about my feelings either.

Since then, I've ventured my way into the baby boy section at Target- something I've avoided- and bought that precious baby some presents. I was so excited to send him a gift. I can't wait to meet and hold him.

And again, I want to reinforce that I am so unbelievably happy for our friends' family, and that moment of extreme sadness has passed. Love you guys and that beautiful baby!

What Ifs...

Paul and I don't allow ourselves to live in the world of "what ifs." It's a very dangerous and depressing land that we don't like being in. However, the closer we get to May 11th, the harder it is to stay away from there. Last night, we were both in that place. It's easier if it's just one of us because we can pull the other one out, but when it's both of us the best we can do is hold each other, pray that it passes soon, and do something that distracts us (sleeping for Paul, reading for me).

Right now, our May 11th is jam packed full. We have TU graduation at 10 (for Katrina and Devin's girlfriend, Annice), a 1st birthday party at 2, and graduation party at 3. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. Part of me is happy to be so busy that maybe I won't have time to hurt, but part of me just wants to lay in bed all day by myself and grieve what I don't have. I also think about the "what ifs" for our schedule that day- if I was still pregnant, had a newborn, etc. I wouldn't be doing any of what's on that schedule most likely other than praying for labor or cuddling a cuddly little newborn. Like I said, I try not to go to that place, but with everything going on I just can't help but think about it.

In other news, my birthday is tomorrow. I'm hoping my headache goes away, my jaw quits hurting, my allergies quit bothering me, and most of all that it is better than today- which has been rough. I'll be 26... or as my brother says on the downhill slope to 30.. fun stuff :) Here's hoping 26 is so much better than 25!

EDIT:

Since typing this I've learned of the explosions at the Boston Marathon. My complaints seem hardly important to what has happened, again, in our nation. My prayers are going up to those killed, injured, families, medical personnel, volunteers, and all those affected by this tragedy. The pictures are horrifying and I'm so happy Rylee is out with Paul right now so I can watch the news and not have to worry about her seeing these things.

Four months

Yesterday was 4 months since I watched Paul place the smallest casket I've ever seen in the ground. 4 months since I was more than a couple of inches from Preston's body. 4 months since he was in our arms in some form or fashion.

Yesterday we ordered his headstone after 4 months. I'm not sure what took us so long to do it, but I know what kicked us into action was that his paper marker was removed and we weren't certain which grave was actually his. Not only do we not have our son close to us we couldn't find where his body was laid to rest and that was just terrifying and heartbreaking. It's like not being able to find your kid in the grocery store. We just had to hope we were at the right grave- and well that's not reassuring at all. So we placed our order yesterday.

Let me make a tangent real quick- please have life insurance of some kind for the peace of your family. We are so blessed that Floral Haven covered everything except the marker. There's no way we would have been able to afford all they did for us (and all families in the area with kids 13 and under) in addition to a marker. I had NO CLUE how expensive all of this could be. So please have some kind of plan in place for your family, just in case.

I wish I could upload a picture of what the marker will look like but I can't find one online. I'll share a photo as soon as I get the composite drawing and then again once it's delivered and installed. We were told it usually takes a month and a half, hopefully not too much longer though. We're both pretty anxious for this step to be taken care of. It's kind of the last step in laying Preston to rest in my eyes.

Overall, I got through this past month pretty well. Please just keep me in your thoughts and prayers in the next 6 or so weeks. They aren't going to be easy. Especially as my friends that I was pregnant with start having their babies. I'm so excited for them- more than they probably will ever know for reasons they can't understand- but it won't make it any easier. But as long as I get some newborn snuggles, I'll be fine :) You can't beat the smell and snuggles of a newbie in my eyes, no matter how hard it is or how bad it might hurt, so please bring me your little babies haha

Love you all and thanks for going through this journey with me!

Pale-HUH?!

I grew up being forced to eat my veggies. I just didn't like them, in fact most made me gag. I don't even know why. I guess because they were "good for me" made them unappealing. This very bad behavior carried into adulthood- which we all know is not good for our waists or our weight. As I gained more weight than I should've in college and had more problems internally, I refused to change my ways. Instead, I would take diet pills until I starved myself and threw up stomach acid/bile.

After losing our first pregnancy, I got even more out of hand, especially since Paul worked late the majority of the week. I ate out and more fast food than a grown person ever should. When I got pregnant with Rylee I weighed more than I ever had. Due to my morning sickness with that pregnancy, after I had Rylee I went 14 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight within 2 weeks of having her, which was still more than I should weight but better than what I was.

Unfortunately this didn't last.

When Rylee was 18 months old, I weighed my heaviest. At this point I started working out 5 or 6 days a week and eating vegetarian. The thing is I still wasn't a vegetable eater (ironic?!) and survived on fruit, yogurt, and meat replacers (Chik patties, anyone?). I didn't mind this course, and the food wasn't horrible. I lost 12 pounds and could tell that my body was changing. The thing is I was often hungry and snacking a lot, but the weight was still coming off so I paid no attention to it.

When I found out I was pregnant with Preston, the vegetarian went out the window because I was craving chicken to the extreme! Probably because I wasn't eating what I needed to to get the protein I needed. I ate better than I did with Rylee's pregnancy- though I drank more caffeine- and even though I wasn't as sick and I was eating more often I was losing weight. After losing Preston, I weighed what I did after having Rylee. My goal was to not let it go this time. Unfortunately the mental, physical, and mostly emotional exhaustion caught up with me. Not to mention the weeks I spent on bed rest didn't help my physical aspect.

I started working out late January, but my knee prevented me from doing the exercises properly and I often cut my work out short because of the pain. Eventually, I just stopped... bad decision I know.

That bring us to now. My weight got back up there. I knew there was something I needed to do about it, and the major problem has always gone back to my eating habits. I have been researching the paleo lifestyle for awhile now. I was nervous to do it because it involves little fruit and a lot of veggies. Being I've never been a fan I put it off until this past Sunday.

eMeals.com had a coupon code for 20% off and they had a Paleo meal plan, I felt like it was kind of meant to be at that point. So I signed up. We went shopping after church on Sunday (after binging on pizza and wings on Saturday.. oops lol) and brought home a lot of fresh veggies and meat. We started it that night. I have tried every single thing I've made- including the veggies- and for the most part it's all been good, even delicious! I'm making more satisfying breakfasts, so much so I don't need lunch some days, and dinner gets me to breakfast the next morning. I've restarted the Couch-2-5K program that I do on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday- no other working out at this point. I want to take it slow to prevent my knee from getting angry.

If you don't know what Paleo is let me break it down:

No Grains
No Legumes (with the exception of green beans, sugar snap peas, and snow peas)
No Dairy (with the exception of clarified butter or ghee, which has milk solids removed)
No Refined Sugar
No Alcohol

It's basically whole foods, and whole foods only.

For the most part, I've found it to be not too bad, though last night got the best of me (I ate a small bowl of cereal- ugh grains and dairy!). But one small cheat will not set me back. With the encouragement of my mom, I weighed myself this morning (I planned on waiting at least 2 weeks) and I've lost 6lbs and a total of 5" from my waist, hips, and bust! If that isn't encouragement I don't know what is! I haven't starved, I haven't really snacked, all I've done is eat real, unprocessed food. Oh and I've only worked out twice, so it's safe to say this is mostly coming from my change in the way I eat.

I'm so excited to change my lifestyle and the fact that I'm enjoying it makes it all the better. Paul is getting great dinners every night so he's in full support. And now Rylee sees more than just 1 parent eating their veggies, she sees 2!

EDIT:

The above regulations are for the Whole30 30 day "reset" diet. It uses the Paleo premise and takes it up a notch. I'm doing my best to follow it, but this morning I had a cup of coffee with a little (for me) sugar and some raw milk. I read on Mark's Daily Apple (website of author of Primal Blueprint, Mark Sisson) that a little bit of sugar in coffee won't completely ruin this lifestyle for you. For this, I'm thrilled. I don't plan on having coffee daily like I used to, but on days like today after a rough night it's much appreciated!

Commitments

Today I am grateful for the fact that Rylee and I have basically no commitments except to each other during the day. We don't have anywhere we HAVE to be. We don't have anything we HAVE to do. We only have to spend time with each other. And on this rainy day, we are having a wonderful comfy cozy snuggle fest on the couch :) She's reading or watching a movie and I'm here blogging and reading up on some stuff. We are spending time together and being lazy.

We go to story time at the library during the week, but it's a free thing so it's not like I feel guilty if we miss it. I want to get her involved in some more things- that will cost money and then we will have commitments- but right now, I'm enjoying what little time I have left with it just being us before all the extracurriculars start.

We are planning on homeschooling- not something I've talked about with a lot of people other than family- at least for the first few years (really we're going to take it year by year and if it ever seems like it isn't working for us, we'll look at our options) but I plan on getting involved with a co-op for socialization and a lot businesses in the area do homeschool classes. Even then, we'll have commitments to those.

So for now, I plan on soaking in these days of no commitments and in the future, when I make a post about a crazy schedule with practices and events I can look back and remember there were days when we were able to just snuggle and enjoy each others company :)

Now back to my lazy day with my beautiful daughter.

Realization...

Today has been about realizations for me.

I realized that I need to put my diaper bag away. I don't need it for Rylee now that she's potty trained and obviously won't be packing it for use soon.

I realized I avoid our 3rd bedroom like the plague. If I have to go in there for anything, I'm in and out as fast as possible. My heart rate goes up significantly anytime I have to go in there. It has become our catch all room, rather than a nursery.

Finally, I realized it's been about 6 weeks since I've been to see Preston. I've been in the area twice and haven't driven the extra 3 or so miles to see him. Both times I've been in the area the weather has been nice. So really there's no real excuse. I honestly don't know why I haven't gone. Going to see your baby in a cemetery is something indescribable, something I don't wish on a single soul in this world, but I hate that I haven't gone to visit him in so long.

My realizations for the day have been painful ones, but ones I needed to have. Things are about to get really hard in the next 6 weeks or so, and it's best I get these "little" realizations out of the way before the big ones try to knock me down. I plan on standing as strong as possible, but I know breakdowns are to be expected. I'm very blessed to have great friends and wonderful family around to hold me, and to know that Preston will always be in their hearts too.

Switching Things Up

So my last post was so very bad, and didn't express things the way I wanted but hopefully I can sit down and type everything out the way I want soon... but until then...

Since Rylee was born, and soon after Paul finding out he had a carcinoma, we have worked hard- but slowly- into switching the way we do things at home. Firstly, we cloth diapered Rylee for the most part. We no longer use fabric softener or dryer sheets. I make my own detergent even. We stick with organic, more natural whole foods whenever possible- we aren't consistently good with this one. We don't use any cleaning chemicals- everything is homemade. And recently we use essential oils for healing ailments- just in the past day we've used lavender oil on burns and headaches. Now for my latest change...

No 'Poo!

Sound crazy?! It just might be! Rylee and I are going to a no shampoo/conditioner regimen, and so far I'm loving it. Shampoo and conditioner is not only expensive, it has a lot of yucky chemicals in it that have been known to cancer! If I can avoid it, I'm going to. So we're going to give it a try. We only wash Rylee's hair about once a week as is, so this isn't going to be a big adjustment for her, but for me there will definitely be a transition period even though I only wash my hair 2-3 times a week.

Basically, I mixed 1 tbsp of baking soda in 1 cup of water to wash our hair and 1 tbsp of apple cider vinegar in 1 cup of water to condition it. The first time I did this I used too much ACV and my hair was very oily looking after it dried, but the second time came out pretty perfect. I love how soft my hair felt when I rinsed my hair and can't wait to get through the transition period and see how my hair turns out!

I hope to make many more changes in the products we use around our house in the future!

Mish Mash

So I've been meaning to post for awhile, but I just haven't done it... No excuses really.. I have a lot of stuff I think I need to sit down and type that all out, but I never do it. Not sure what's holding me back, but here I am now...

Rylee is doing great. We are basically over the hitting stage- for the most part, she did start doing it again the other morning when she was really tired- for now. Her conversations are becoming clearer by the day, soon there won't be any babble at all. She's loving pointing at letters she sees when we're out and about and she gets so excited! She wants to count EVERYTHING- though she usually adds an extra every time. It's very cute. She's still getting up at night, and has started her day at 5:30am a few too many- let's face it, one time is too many- times this week.

It seems to be getting warmer and we are spending more time outside, to the relief of us all! We're definitely an outdoor family, even if it's just hanging out in the backyard. We plan on doing some hiking this year though! And I'm pretty excited about it.

We're still going to church, and loving it. Rylee asks to see the "kids" every day and she says her prayers every night now. Paul told me the other day since starting to go to church he feels better about himself and he feels more complete, and what a great way to explain how we are all feeling. I love the description of feeling more complete. Last Sunday I chose to commit my life to Christ and have had a sense of euphoria ever since. I know I'm choosing the more "difficult" path in life, but oh what I will get as a reward will make it so worth it.

All I can do is thank my sweet little baby boy for opening my eyes. I truly believe his purpose was to bring our family to God. I have never in my life felt closer to God or stronger in my faith. I was prepared to be a very angry person when there was a chance of me losing Preston- I told Paul about the pain I just knew I would feel and the depression that would result. But when I knew Preston was no longer living, I turned to God for peace and strength and it was given to me. I was briefly angry with doctors, but I can honestly say I don't think full blown anger was ever felt and expressed by me- especially not towards God. From the moment I held Preston's body in my arms, I knew Jesus was holding him in heaven at the same time. How lucky am I to know that my baby is in such a wonderful place? Am I jealous? Of course, but one day I know that will be me too.

Terrible Twos...

Today, Rylee is another month older. I can barely believe it! I thought we had encountered the "terrible twos" a couple months BEFORE her 2nd birthday, but boy was I wrong...

This past week has been pretty rough in the mommy department. Rylee has taken to hitting and throwing outright fits when she doesn't get what she wants. It's gotten pretty bad, and she spends a lot of time in her room screaming :-/ I'm at a loss on how to approach and handle this. Paul and I have agreed to no spanking- and I really don't think hitting to punish hitting makes sense- but I'm not sure how to reprimand her at this point. Because what we're doing doesn't seem to be working, but that could just been my lack of patience and my overwhelming frustration with the situation.

She's also not sleeping well, so I'm not sleeping either and that's just compounding everything. I'm hoping we move past this phase and fast.

Other than that, she's absolutely amazing! She can recognize all of her letters by sight, can count to 13, and is doing great in group situations with other kids. She also picking up her colors very well- as long as she is the one that points it out, if you ask her what the color is she just stares at you like you're crazy. She has learned to open doors in the past few days- and though that is adding a challenge to bedtime, it's so funny for her to just go into any room she desires and the absolute joy she gets from that.

I can't wait to see what more she learns in the months to come!

Church

Three weeks ago, I approached Paul about attending church. We'd talked about it in the past, but it was never something we followed through on. I showed him the website and Statement of Faith of a local church to see how he would feel about trying them out, he agreed that he liked what he saw and would be willing to go the following Sunday. I was thrilled and nervous for a couple reasons.

Firstly, I've never left Rylee without someone that I don't consider family- so leaving her with a stranger was terrifying to both of us. However, I learned that a lady in our neighborhood serves in the 2 year old class at the 8:30 service and she walked me through everything that would happen when we got there, dropped her off, picked her up, etc. I immediately felt more comfortable about that, and I was excited that Rylee would be getting a chance to socialize with kids her age and learn about God all at the same time.

Secondly, I get really anxious and nervous about putting myself in new situations. I don't like being the "new person." It terrifies me and usually turns me off of doing new things. However, I was determined with Paul by my side I could push through and go to church.

Within a few days, I realized the devil was already trying to thwart our efforts in joining a church. My parents had given us tickets to a concert downtown for Saturday night, meaning Rylee would be at Paul's parent's and we would be out late. Getting up for that 8:30 service was sounding harder and harder, but I knew if we didn't go then we wouldn't go at all.

7:45 Sunday morning rolled around and I hopped out of bed determined we were going- even though we both missed our alarms. We got ready hurriedly, picked up Rylee and headed back across town to get to church. After getting Rylee checked in, we didn't have time to worry about her being left with people we didn't know because worship was undergoing and we wanted to be sure and find seats.

We loved the service, and we happened to start going on a day where they were holding a "baptism bash." More than 100 people throughout the day would be baptized- I had tears in my eyes as the worship band sang and the crowd cheered as person after person was baptized. I felt so touched throughout the whole service, I knew I had found the right place for me, and I was hoping that Paul liked it and that Rylee enjoyed her time too.

Seeing the smile on Rylee's face when we picked her up was so heartwarming for me and I knew she had enjoyed her time there. Later, talking to Paul, I learned he enjoyed it too. I was thrilled! We agreed to go back the following Sunday.

Since attending LifeChurch.tv Owasso I have been reading the Bible daily, stopping to pray throughout the day, and praying with Rylee before bed- also trying to live my life my Christ-like. One of my constant prayers has been that Paul not just be willing to attend church, but that he also opens up to other aspects of it- reading the Bible, accepting Jesus into his heart, etc. Last night, I had planned on discussing this with him, but before I got the chance I asked him what he was doing on his iPad... he told me he was reading the bible!!! I just started smiling like a dork and praising God. He read several chapters in Genesis last night and was actually excited he knew some of the stories already.

I couldn't be more thrilled where our lives are heading and I'm so happy Rylee will grow up going to church and knowing Christ and his love and sacrifice for her.