Reflections...

What an original title for the end of the year post, right?? I can't think of anything unique right now, so it'll have to do.

They say how you bring in the new year sets the tone for the rest of your year- well isn't that the truth. 2012 started out with Paul being very sick- so sick he couldn't be a part of Rylee's first birthday party. Eventually, he ended up in the hospital with double pneumonia. Fun stuff....

I had an appendectomy, Rylee had stitches and an UTI, and well if you read my blog you know how this last month of 2012 has been. So I would think that saying holds some truth- at least it did for our family this year.

Paul is going to bed early tonight so he can work a double tomorrow- let's hope 2013 doesn't bring on more work and sleep, because then I would really miss my hubby. I'm hoping for a healthy 2013 for all of us.

But in all honesty, 2013 can't possibly be any worse than 2012- so really we're guaranteed an improvement.... right? RIGHT?! Well, I can only hope so... we shall see

TWO!!

My lil bug is officially two years old!!! I just can't believe that it's been 2 years since she came into this world. Today has been spent setting up Rylee's surprise birthday present. Thankfully, Paul had the day off to entertain her while I did most of the dirty work. We made a promise before she was born that we would always spend her birthday together, no matter what (obviously until she wants nothing to do with us and then maybe just the 2 of us will spend it together haha). Last year, we were out and about all day. This year, we spent the day at home- which was really nice. Her party is on Saturday so we have a lot to do before then, but tomorrow I plan on just enjoying my 2 year old :)

Alright bug... Right now, you are sleeping in a big girl twin bed (that was your surprise present)! You wear 2T clothes, and are only sleeping in a diaper (size 4- it's too much work for cloth right now)- the rest of the day you wear undies! I'm so proud of you for basically potty training yourself. You still have an accident here and there, but you are very good at stopping it and running to the bathroom. You are very active, you are ALWAYS moving! But you also love to color and draw. I'm thinking I'll be enrolling you in dance or gymnastics here soon to give you something to do while it's so cold out. You have been so fun recently! I can't wait to see what all you have in store for us these coming months- I love watching you learn and grow, you warm my heart baby girl!

Halfway??

So I should be making a post about being halfway. Halfway done with my pregnancy, halfway to seeing my precious baby. In the past week or two, we would have had our anatomy scan, where the sex would've been determined, though we would have had it written down to find out on Christmas morning (assuming we could've made it that long- we were pretty anxious). In 3 days we would be finding out that we were right and that we were going to have a baby boy.

Crazy to think about what should be happening in my life right now.....

Instead, I had my sweet baby boy 3 weeks ago. I held his sleeping body in my arms for as long as I, emotionally, could- which was like 3am the next day. Never will I see him again on this Earth. Never will I see him smile in his sleep, coo, laugh, find his toes. Never will he keep me up at all hours of the night rocking forever. Never will I stress out on the lack of, excess of, or consistency of his poop- trust me it happens!

So, unfortunately, I'm nowhere close to halfway. This is just the beginning of life without Preston. A beginning that hurts like hell. A beginning that is masked and added to because of the stress of the holidays- which actually don't seem so stressful this year (Paul and I took it easy on everyone, and thankfully everyone has been understanding of the insane amount of gift cards we bought for them).

This is a long road that I want to get off of. I never had a desire (who would?) to be on this road again- it was hard the first time and we never saw, heard, or felt that baby. I don't know why anyone would think I'm strong enough to deal with this twice, let alone once. I'm struggling with the milestones that I would be reaching as time goes on, and I know it's only going to get harder as we get closer to May- I would prefer that we just skip that month but the likelihood of that happening isn't great, so I need to learn to deal with this pain and move on.

I guess being halfway would just be too easy right now. So for a bit, I'm going to be on a bumpy road, but that's just the beginning. In time, the bumps will smooth out and though the reminders will always be there, the road will become a bit smoother and things will get a little easier. I know there's no way to know how long it will take to get there so I hope that no matter how long I'm on the bumpy road I have my friends and family helping me as I trip and fall. And when the day comes that I find smoother ground, they applaud me for making it and I can thank them for never leaving my side.

I hope everyone holds their loved ones a little tighter this Christmas and holiday season and enjoys the time they have with them.

Follow Up Appointment

Today was my follow up appointment from Preston's birth. I was not looking forward to this in the least. I wasn't wanting to hear about how there was no reason for his loss or that my body failed me in some way. Plus this would be my first time meeting this OB/GYN- so I was already nervous. Also, I should've met him 3 days after Preston's birth had I still been pregnant.

When I got there the nurse didn't have the pathology report in my chart and I was worried that maybe it wasn't ready yet, and I would have to come back yet again. So I sat there and I waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally Dr. Thompson came in and I was immediately comfortable with him- he sat down next to me in some really comfy chairs and we chatted. We discussed my past pregnancies and then this one.

Finally, he pulled out the pathology report. He was shocked that we didn't already know the results of it. I was shocked that there was actually a cause:

Severe Necrotizing Acute Chorioamnionitis caused by peptostreptococcus.

Basically, my placenta had a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad bacterial infection caused by a pretty nasty strain of strep that was completely destroying the tissue.

How it got in my uterus and to my placenta is unknown, but the chances of it ever happening again are extremely small. The OB also plans to take a very proactive approach when we get pregnant again. I will be tested from my first appointment for strep and throughout the entire pregnancy.

I asked if the cramps and bleeding weren't related to losing Preston then, but he told me that they were in fact related. By the time I started cramping and spotting, the bacteria had already reached my placenta and my body was trying to prevent it from getting worse. This led to the question of if my old OB would have taken me seriously could all of this have been prevented? Probably not was the answer. There's no way to have known that it had reached my placenta without having the placenta to test, which you can't do until the placenta is expelled after delivery.

It's so nice to have some kind of answer, other than my body sucks. It's also nice to know that the chances of this happening in the future are slim to none- though the chance of it happening in the first place was slim to none as well. So the fact that he is being proactive presently to see if this bacteria has decided to take up residence in my body and trying to treat that, but he also plans on checking frequently throughout my next pregnancy so that hopefully we won't ever go through this again.

Rough Weekend

I'm not sure what I want this blog to be about anymore. It might just turn into me ranting about my emotions with Rylee updates thrown in (she will be TWO in 10 days!!!). Today I have to discuss my emotion-wrecked weekend.

When I woke up Saturday, I knew it was going to be a rough day. Physically, I felt OK- had a bad headache. But I was grumpy and really just wanted to lay in bed all day and cry some. I spent enough time doing that for 6 weeks though and hate the time I missed with my family, so I drug myself to the couch. I sat there moody most of the day, it didn't help that Rylee was whiny too. That evening we went to my parent's and my mood kind of perked up- probably because my mom was dealing with Rylee's whiny-ness (PS that sounds horribly mean, I know).

That evening I had several glasses of wine and laid in bed with Paul and watched The Office. I don't know if it was my husband, the wine, or the funny TV show but I was finally feeling better. It was a good evening. Though my insomnia is back in full force and I don't usually lay down and close my eyes until around 1am.

Sunday I woke up feeling better, still had a slight headache and was a little dizzy, but I knew it was going to be a better day. We were celebrating Christmas with Paul's family since they will going to see my sister-in-law for the holidays. We went over early that morning and soon did presents. Watching Rylee open and play with her wagon was so much fun! She loves her present from Grammy and Granddad so much!! It was as everyone dispersed to other parts of the house before lunch and it got quiet that I looked at Paul and knew he got the feeling of overwhelming sadness, just as I did. Within minutes, we were sitting on the couch holding each other, not saying a word. I was soon crying knowing I would never see Preston get so excited like Rylee had with her present.

I know things can come out of nowhere when grieving, but I was completely blindsided by this. Preston was never supposed to be here this Christmas, but I felt like we were missing someone as we all sat around laughing and smiling. The sadness carried over to after Rylee went to bed and Paul and I talked a little, but mostly we just sat on the couch together our legs intertwined doing our own thing. We went to bed together and discussed the future a bit, but without really discussing anything- confusing huh? Yeah, I was too....

Today, it's a new day, and I'm a little numb today. I want to be happy and not all melancholy, but I can't help but feel a little down. Looks like me and baby girl are going to have to go to the park or something to distract me and get me to have some fun.

Here's to a new day!

Bitter Post...

I'm entitled to a bitter post, right?? Well even if I'm not I'm about to do it anyway...

Paul and I decided very early on in our relationship that kids were a big deal for both of us. Soon after we got married we were pregnant for the first time. Though we lost that baby and had to deal with the financial implications of the needed surgery and all the ultrasound and doctors visits- we forged on. In April, we found ourselves pregnant again. So in our first year of marriage we experienced 2 pregnancies, technically.

We were financially prepared for both of them. I'm not saying we were completely secure in our finances, but we bought our own baby gear: crib, car seat, strollers, etc. We didn't feel comfortable asking family and friends to make such high dollar purchases. Granted, I think its GREAT when people want to chip in and buy baby gear for a family, and I'm sure we would've had that as well. We just bought it before they got a chance. Also, we felt like that WE made the decision to get pregnant and bring a kid into this world, we needed to bear the responsibility of the financial part as well.

When we decided to have another kid, we were no better money wise- in fact, due to all the hospitalizations of 2012 we might have been a bit worse off. But we made the conscious decision when we had Rylee to get gender neutral gear, so it could all be reused, and we felt like no matter what we could make a second baby work without any huge added expenses.

Here comes the bitter part......

About a week after I lost Preston, I log onto one of my facebook groups to see a girl who frequently requests help (items/money) for her family (young, married, 1 baby with another on the way-2 under 2) asking for more help for a friend of hers. This friend is due next month with a little girl and has basically nothing for the baby- she was recently given a car seat, bouncer, and some clothes 3 months and up. The girl making the request basically blasted her friend's family for not helping out. Ummm... I'm sorry but YOUR BABY YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. If you are mature enough to make the decision to have sex without protection, you better be mature enough to financially take care of a baby.

I was a little bitter when I read this, but I decided to suggest that the friend looks into the local Pregnancy Resource Center. You take some classes and they give you "money" to "buy" things that are needed- diapers, formula, clothes, etc. Its a win-win. You get some pregnancy/parenting help and get the things you can't afford in return.

Here is where the really bitter part comes in...

I was told that the friend won't ask for help!!! That this girl was getting donations because the friend is too prideful to go and get the help that she obviously needs. I'm sorry but WHAT?! You can't afford diapers, clothes, a crib for your baby that is due in less than 4 weeks, but you are too PROUD to ask for help?? I got very angry and had to force myself to not respond on the page- so I'm ranting here. The girl had to beg and plead to throw the girl a baby shower- where she would receive some of the things she needed....

I'm not one to want to accept help either. I get it, I really do. When I was first laid up when all my cramping started this pregnancy, so many people offered to help and take Rylee, or cook and clean. I thanked everyone graciously, but knew full well I wouldn't be taking advantage of that. A friend of mine basically told me one day that she was bringing me lunch and I needed to tell her what I wanted. And that's how I am, so I really understand where this girl is coming from. But there is a new baby coming that doesn't have much of anything- all pride goes out the window at that point. You don't matter much anymore, it is ALL about that little newborn that you are bringing into this world. As a mom, she should be taking and doing what she can to make sure she can provide for her baby- even if that means giving up her seat on the Pride Train.

After I had Preston, I knew I needed help. People have brought us food, gift cards, presents. I've let Rylee go places without me when I normally wouldn't. I need help and this time I'm not to proud to ask for it. This girl needs to grow up and realize she needs to accept help before its too late.

Ok.... I've got my bitterness out of me now :)

Newtown, Connecticut

Information is still coming in about this horrific situation. I have so much I want to say, but my first thought, and the one that is in the forefront, is maybe this is why God wanted Preston with him- to keep him out of this sick, scary, cruel world.

If you are the praying kind, please send up a few for those affected by this tragedy, and if you have babies give them extra tight hugs. I can't imagine getting that phone call....

Strong and Brave....

.... after posting my story about Preston last night, those words were used to describe me by many of my friends and acquaintances. To say I was in shock is quite an understatement. I never in my right mind (is my mind right?) would have thought those words would be posted. Maybe crazy, in denial, etc., but not strong and brave. When I talked about being at peace with where I am right now I figured most people would consider me crazy, consider what I had just gone through.

I posted for myself and if there are/were anyone going through what I've been through to potentially find some peace in knowing they aren't alone. Never did I expect the response I got. I am far from strong and nowhere close to being brave- what strength I do have comes from the smile of a 2 year old and the arms of my husband. I'm scared to death day to day. I hold my daughter like there is no tomorrow. I kiss my husband and tell him I love him like I may never see him again.

To lose a child is like a pain I never thought I could feel. Not too long ago, I went to a funeral for family friend's son, and I ached for his mom, dad, and brothers. I had my husband, my daughter, and my baby growing inside of me. I could never fathom the pain his family was feeling. To say I can now would be a lie, but I'm a bit closer to understanding.

I didn't get 20-odd years with Preston, but I did get 16+ weeks and the love that blossomed inside of me during that short amount of time is incredible- if you've ever been pregnant you understand what I'm talking about. From the moment you see that 2nd line or the word 'pregnant' on that stick, you are a mom. Your heart is no longer your own. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I keep telling Paul the longest I've spent away from Rylee is a little more than 24 hours when I had an appendectomy, all this time away from Preston is ripping me to pieces- it just doesn't feel right.

We buried our son a week ago. Paul placed the smallest casket I've ever seen in the ground. It was the last time we would hold our son in our arms. Yes we will always have him in our hearts, but its not the same as the warmth of a little baby on your chest. Sometimes when I'm watching Rylee I burst into tears because I'll never see Preston do the things she's doing- crawling, running, coloring, hugging, loving.

Well this post was very random, and a bit of a tangent. And a lot harder to write, because the other post was just facts, and this was full of feeling and emotion. Here are some things I've put in a Word document to read when I need some reassurance:

Daddy, please don't look so sad, Mama, please don't cry-


cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.


Please, try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.


Don't think he sent me to you, and then He changed his mind. 


You see, I am a special child and I am needed up above.


I'm the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love.


I'll always be there with you. Watch the sky at night... 


find the brightest star that is gleaming, that is my halo's brillant light.


You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.


That's me in the summer showers. I'll be dancing in the rain.


When you feel a little breeze, from the gentle wind that blows,

that's me 
planting a kiss on your nose. 


When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug,

that's me, 
I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.


So Daddy, please don't look so sad, Mama don't you cry.


I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth,

   Then she whispered as she closed the book,  "Too beautiful for earth."

Preston Hayes

I've received some questions, and felt like others wanted to ask questions, so I thought I would write about what went on the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy. This isn't just for others, but also for my own healing and for anything that happens in the future. So here goes....

On October 22nd, I was 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant and I started cramping and had some slight spotting. This was very reminiscent of my miscarriage 3 years ago so I freaked out and went to the ER. We were blessed to see a happy, healthy baby turning flips and waving during a bedside ultrasound. All tests for infections came back negative. They couldn't give me a reason for the cramping or spotting, but told me to call my OB and take it easy until it went away.

The next day I called my OB first thing in the morning, and again that afternoon, waiting to hear back. I was still having a lot of cramping pain, but luckily the spotting had seemed to go away. I finally got a call back from OB's medical assistant at 5:00pm- 30 minutes after closing- telling me my OB was actually in surgery all day, but she was writing it off to round ligament pain and that I needed to drink more water, but she would pass the info on to my OB and call back the next day.

On Wednesday, I was still in a lot of pain. I mean drop to my knees, roll into a fetal position cramps. When I received a call from a nurse I had never seen or talked to saying my OB agreed with her assistant, I started bawling. I realized no one understood the pain I was in, and they were just writing off what I was describing as "nothing." I tried my best to explain to the nurse the pain I was in and that Tylenol was not helping, and that I was drinking close to 100oz in water with no relief. The nurse suggested ibuprofen, to my horror. If you've ever been pregnant, you know that they say ibuprofen is a strict no-no. After I calmed down and talked to a few friends and my mom, I called back insisting a more formal ultrasound and to be seen by any of the OBs in the practice, hoping face-to-face would help me better explain what I was feeling. I called several times with that request, without any response. Finally, we just went to the ER at St. Francis since I knew they would give me a formal ultrasound. I wanted to know if there were any cysts, tears, abruptions, etc. that could be causing the pain.

At the ER, we waited 4 hours in the waiting room to be seen. The ER doctor did a bedside ultrasound and once again there was baby with a healthy heartbeat. She also ordered a formal ultrasound to check all of the things that a bedside ultrasound can't see- which is exactly what I wanted. The radiologist checked everything out and couldn't see anything wrong. The placenta was in a good position, no tears, no cysts, etc. She said it looked like I had a tilted uterus that was trying to correct itself and that could be where the cramps were coming from. The doctor didn't confirm or deny this, but sent me home with the same instructions as the first ER: rest and call my OB. I received a call the next morning from the Imaging Center because my OB ordered a formal ultrasound, wish she would've called me before I waited 8 hours in the ER for one.

The cramping continued, just as bad most days. On November 5th, the slight spotting returned. On the 6th, it happened randomly throughout the day. By the 7th, there was bleeding every time I went to the bathroom. I finally called a new OB and made an appointment. Unfortunately, he couldn't see me until December 4th. I explained my situation to the receptionist and she suggested I get into my old OB for peace of mind, and that she would call me right away with any cancellations that my new OB had. After getting over my pride, I called my old OB, spoke to her assistant and insisted I have an appointment by the end of day since the bleeding had increased. I got a call at the end of the day from the assistant saying she never got a chance to talk to the OB and she would be back the next day- I never heard from them again. Luckily, the bleeding stopped.

The next few weeks, the cramping wasn't all that bad. I was still mostly on bed rest, and the cramping was constant, but the most severe cramps were more random and less often.

On November 19th, the severe cramps returned. I was doubled over most of the day, but I had promised Rylee I would take her to the zoo the next day. You see, I had not done much with her since the cramping began. I spent most of my time laying on the couch or in bed. I missed having fun with my daughter. So on Tuesday the 20th I took Rylee to the zoo. We didn't spend as much time there as we normally do, but we had fun getting out together. When I got home, the bleeding had returned. It was more than spotting, but not what they consider "severe" enough. On the 21st, I went to St Francis Labor & Delivery anyway. I was 15 week 4 days, and they usually don't see you until 16 weeks, but luckily they kept me since I had called earlier in the day very upset about everything.

The nurse swabbed me for any infections- all came back negative. The resident OB checked me and let me know my outer cervix was 2-3cm dilated, but that was normal for someone that has delivered a baby- my inner cervix was closed. I was concerned that none of the doctors had noted that previously. He also said my cervix was very raw and irritated but he couldn't figure out a cause/reason. He did a bedside ultrasound, and said my placenta looked low and could be the cause of the bleeding. Baby had a heartbeat and was kicking around in there. Still no one could tell me anything, and I was sent home with the instructions of rest if I was bleeding and in pain.

Hindsight being 20/20 I only state this now that I know, but at the time I didn't put the two things together. A few days after I left L&D the bleeding I was having changed- this may be TMI for some- it became very watery. I just thought whatever might be close to causing a type of infection was leaving, but actually my amniotic sac probably had a small tear in it and my water was leaking. I also started getting a severe headache and fevers around the same time.

I have a fetal doppler at home and regularly used it since I was only feeling slight flutters and all of the pain. I wanted to make sure baby was still doing good in there. On Tuesday the 27th, while Rylee was taking her nap, I decided to listen to baby. The heart rate seemed very high and actually worried me at first. I kept thinking "he's scared, he's panicking" but I researched the heart rate and according to what I found it wasn't "that" high. I believe had I been taken seriously by anyone previous to this I might've called someone about it, but I didn't. This was the last time I know for a fact that my baby was alive.

On Wednesday night, Paul asked to hear the baby's heartbeat. I couldn't find it. I assumed since he was still small, he was hiding- though deep in my heart I think I knew. I tried 3 times the next day, after eating lots of starchy and sugary things, and still couldn't find it. I started researching 2nd trimester miscarriages that day. On Friday after not being able to find the heartbeat again, I told Paul we should be prepared for bad news at our appointment on the upcoming Tuesday. I was denial, and refused to believe what I already knew and was refusing anymore trips to the hospital.

On Saturday, December 1st, I woke up to consistent cramps, and Paul insisting we go back to L&D so we could know for sure. First we went and got our Christmas tree, and took Rylee to my mom's. I was still reluctant about going to the hospital, I wanted to stay oblivious to the obvious. Paul finally got me to the hospital and our worse nightmares were confirmed- baby didn't have a heartbeat. The nurse checked me and my consistent cramps were contractions- I was actually in labor. I was told at that time that it looked like I didn't have any water left in the amniotic sac (which is why I think my water started leaking about a week before).

At 9:37pm, I gave birth to my sweet sleeping angel baby boy, Preston Hayes. I was able to hold him, kiss him, talk to him, and give him all my love and adoration. I did have to have surgery to remove my placenta, and I lost a lot of blood (about 20%). Paul got some alone time with his son while I was in surgery, and then when we got to the recovery room, we got some more time alone with him. I was discharged by noon on Sunday.

To say my life has been whirlwind since then is an understatement. Time seems to go so slowly, but so fast at the same time. I have a weird sense of peace most of the time- which makes me feel guilty. Since I was in so much pain for so long, I have this feeling Preston felt it or sensed it- especially at the end when I heard the elevated heartbeat- so I know he's no longer in pain and that makes me feel like everything is OK now. I hate, hate, HATE that he isn't here with us, but knowing I could've been putting him through pain kills me.

I have to say, being able to be a mom to Rylee again has been enjoyable too. I felt so bad about all the things I couldn't do with her for so long- I literally cried most weekends because of it. The other day I was able to sit on the floor and play and color with her without being in any pain- it kills me to think of why I was able to do it, but seeing the happiness on Rylee's face when she asked me to color with her and I said "ok" warms my heart. It's such a catch-22 and there are times it hurts but mostly I've been happy. Without Rylee, I can't imagine how the pain would take over and consume us. Rylee is our light in the darkness right now. We need her now more than she can ever understand. I can't wait until she's old enough to understand what a blessing she is, and to understand the life and existence of her little brother.

Don't get me wrong, Paul and I still have our grieving time. We talk about Preston almost daily. We cry, we hold each other, we think about what could've been, and what our future holds. We were given a mold of his hands and feet, and we sleep with it at night. We love and miss our baby boy more than most people could imagine.

I believe that is most of the story and I think it answers some of the questions I've been asked, and it feels good to type the story out. I also know if we were to ever be blessed with another pregnancy what to look for in warning signs, and what to no longer accept as a valid answer. We get the pathology report next week and will potentially know for sure what happened, but like I said earlier I'm pretty sure I already know.

To end... here is a picture of me marveling over my sweet baby boy shortly after he was born.