Pictures

Ever have a completely normal day then you check the mail and you are completely thrown for a loop? Well that happened yesterday...

When I checked the mail, I noticed a padded mailer- trying to think what I could've ordered (who knows?!) I walked back inside without really looking at it... it was really cold and rainy out. When I got inside and my coat off, I turned the mailer over and realized it was from St. Francis Labor & Delivery Bereavement Services. I'm pretty sure everything froze right at that moment. I was trying to think if maybe I left something in my room or if there was more paperwork for us, seriously what would they be sending us- especially almost 3 months later?!

I stood at the counter just staring at this envelope for what seemed like the longest time- when really it probably wasn't more than 2 minutes. When I finally opened the envelope the only thing in it was a a CD case and a note. The note said something to the effect of "Here are some pictures of your baby, hope they help you find peace and comfort."

My. World. Halted.

I started shaking and crying almost instantly. I remembered them asking if I wanted pictures taken, and I told them my mom had my camera and was taking pictures, but I didn't remember anything more than that. I had no idea they ended up taking pictures, and I had NO CLUE they would be mailing me these pictures, especially since it's been awhile. I hold the case and just stared at it. I hadn't looked at pictures of Preston since about a week after his memorial service, but I had to know what was on this disc.

I finally made it to my computer and put the disc in. While it was loading, I thought maybe I should wait for Paul to get home to look at them, but I just couldn't... I had to see them right away. And then there he was... my sweet lil angel baby. Pictures of him, his hands, his feet. I was sobbing before I knew it. I miss him and want to hold him so badly.

Paul and I have had a rough week in terms of missing Preston. He had a breakdown moment on Monday, and mine was on Tuesday. I'm not really sure what his was concerning, but mine was more about Rylee, I guess. She was taking care of all of her baby dolls and Little People characters. Giving them each a kiss and then placing them on a pillow and covering them all with a blanket. She was so nurturing and I couldn't help picturing her with Preston being a wonderful big sister. Oh goodness, she would've loved that little boy so much- and I know she still can with time, once she's old enough to understand.

I guess the pictures showing up now is a way of letting us know he is still with us. I prayed a lot for peace last night and honestly slept pretty good, and Rylee slept all night so that was refreshing.  I slept holding the mold of Preston's hands and feet which I haven't done in awhile, but I needed something of his near me.

I'm thinking about sending St Francis a letter requesting that they warn people maybe in a letter or email the week before that these pictures will be sent out, so that the grieving parents have a chance to prepare for it. I don't think it's a bad thing they send them out, I love having pictures of my angel, just some warning would have been nice.