Information is still coming in about this horrific situation. I have so much I want to say, but my first thought, and the one that is in the forefront, is maybe this is why God wanted Preston with him- to keep him out of this sick, scary, cruel world.
If you are the praying kind, please send up a few for those affected by this tragedy, and if you have babies give them extra tight hugs. I can't imagine getting that phone call....
Friday, December 14, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Strong and Brave....
.... after posting my story about Preston last night, those words were used to describe me by many of my friends and acquaintances. To say I was in shock is quite an understatement. I never in my right mind (is my mind right?) would have thought those words would be posted. Maybe crazy, in denial, etc., but not strong and brave. When I talked about being at peace with where I am right now I figured most people would consider me crazy, consider what I had just gone through.
I posted for myself and if there are/were anyone going through what I've been through to potentially find some peace in knowing they aren't alone. Never did I expect the response I got. I am far from strong and nowhere close to being brave- what strength I do have comes from the smile of a 2 year old and the arms of my husband. I'm scared to death day to day. I hold my daughter like there is no tomorrow. I kiss my husband and tell him I love him like I may never see him again.
To lose a child is like a pain I never thought I could feel. Not too long ago, I went to a funeral for family friend's son, and I ached for his mom, dad, and brothers. I had my husband, my daughter, and my baby growing inside of me. I could never fathom the pain his family was feeling. To say I can now would be a lie, but I'm a bit closer to understanding.
I didn't get 20-odd years with Preston, but I did get 16+ weeks and the love that blossomed inside of me during that short amount of time is incredible- if you've ever been pregnant you understand what I'm talking about. From the moment you see that 2nd line or the word 'pregnant' on that stick, you are a mom. Your heart is no longer your own. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I keep telling Paul the longest I've spent away from Rylee is a little more than 24 hours when I had an appendectomy, all this time away from Preston is ripping me to pieces- it just doesn't feel right.
We buried our son a week ago. Paul placed the smallest casket I've ever seen in the ground. It was the last time we would hold our son in our arms. Yes we will always have him in our hearts, but its not the same as the warmth of a little baby on your chest. Sometimes when I'm watching Rylee I burst into tears because I'll never see Preston do the things she's doing- crawling, running, coloring, hugging, loving.
Well this post was very random, and a bit of a tangent. And a lot harder to write, because the other post was just facts, and this was full of feeling and emotion. Here are some things I've put in a Word document to read when I need some reassurance:
I posted for myself and if there are/were anyone going through what I've been through to potentially find some peace in knowing they aren't alone. Never did I expect the response I got. I am far from strong and nowhere close to being brave- what strength I do have comes from the smile of a 2 year old and the arms of my husband. I'm scared to death day to day. I hold my daughter like there is no tomorrow. I kiss my husband and tell him I love him like I may never see him again.
To lose a child is like a pain I never thought I could feel. Not too long ago, I went to a funeral for family friend's son, and I ached for his mom, dad, and brothers. I had my husband, my daughter, and my baby growing inside of me. I could never fathom the pain his family was feeling. To say I can now would be a lie, but I'm a bit closer to understanding.
I didn't get 20-odd years with Preston, but I did get 16+ weeks and the love that blossomed inside of me during that short amount of time is incredible- if you've ever been pregnant you understand what I'm talking about. From the moment you see that 2nd line or the word 'pregnant' on that stick, you are a mom. Your heart is no longer your own. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I keep telling Paul the longest I've spent away from Rylee is a little more than 24 hours when I had an appendectomy, all this time away from Preston is ripping me to pieces- it just doesn't feel right.
We buried our son a week ago. Paul placed the smallest casket I've ever seen in the ground. It was the last time we would hold our son in our arms. Yes we will always have him in our hearts, but its not the same as the warmth of a little baby on your chest. Sometimes when I'm watching Rylee I burst into tears because I'll never see Preston do the things she's doing- crawling, running, coloring, hugging, loving.
Well this post was very random, and a bit of a tangent. And a lot harder to write, because the other post was just facts, and this was full of feeling and emotion. Here are some things I've put in a Word document to read when I need some reassurance:
Daddy, please don't look
so sad, Mama, please don't cry-
cause I am in the arms of
Jesus and He sings me lullabies.
Please, try not to
question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to
you, and then He changed his mind.
You see, I am a special
child and I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you
gave Him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with
you. Watch the sky at night...
find the brightest star
that is gleaming, that is my halo's brillant light.
You'll see me in the
morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer
showers. I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little
breeze, from the gentle wind that blows,
that's me
planting a kiss
on your nose.
When you see a child
playing and your heart feels a little tug,
that's me,
I'll be there,
giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't
look so sad, Mama don't you cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.
An angel opened the book
of life and wrote down my baby's birth,
Then she
whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth."
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Preston Hayes
I've received some questions, and felt like others wanted to ask questions, so I thought I would write about what went on the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy. This isn't just for others, but also for my own healing and for anything that happens in the future. So here goes....
On October 22nd, I was 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant and I started cramping and had some slight spotting. This was very reminiscent of my miscarriage 3 years ago so I freaked out and went to the ER. We were blessed to see a happy, healthy baby turning flips and waving during a bedside ultrasound. All tests for infections came back negative. They couldn't give me a reason for the cramping or spotting, but told me to call my OB and take it easy until it went away.
The next day I called my OB first thing in the morning, and again that afternoon, waiting to hear back. I was still having a lot of cramping pain, but luckily the spotting had seemed to go away. I finally got a call back from OB's medical assistant at 5:00pm- 30 minutes after closing- telling me my OB was actually in surgery all day, but she was writing it off to round ligament pain and that I needed to drink more water, but she would pass the info on to my OB and call back the next day.
On Wednesday, I was still in a lot of pain. I mean drop to my knees, roll into a fetal position cramps. When I received a call from a nurse I had never seen or talked to saying my OB agreed with her assistant, I started bawling. I realized no one understood the pain I was in, and they were just writing off what I was describing as "nothing." I tried my best to explain to the nurse the pain I was in and that Tylenol was not helping, and that I was drinking close to 100oz in water with no relief. The nurse suggested ibuprofen, to my horror. If you've ever been pregnant, you know that they say ibuprofen is a strict no-no. After I calmed down and talked to a few friends and my mom, I called back insisting a more formal ultrasound and to be seen by any of the OBs in the practice, hoping face-to-face would help me better explain what I was feeling. I called several times with that request, without any response. Finally, we just went to the ER at St. Francis since I knew they would give me a formal ultrasound. I wanted to know if there were any cysts, tears, abruptions, etc. that could be causing the pain.
At the ER, we waited 4 hours in the waiting room to be seen. The ER doctor did a bedside ultrasound and once again there was baby with a healthy heartbeat. She also ordered a formal ultrasound to check all of the things that a bedside ultrasound can't see- which is exactly what I wanted. The radiologist checked everything out and couldn't see anything wrong. The placenta was in a good position, no tears, no cysts, etc. She said it looked like I had a tilted uterus that was trying to correct itself and that could be where the cramps were coming from. The doctor didn't confirm or deny this, but sent me home with the same instructions as the first ER: rest and call my OB. I received a call the next morning from the Imaging Center because my OB ordered a formal ultrasound, wish she would've called me before I waited 8 hours in the ER for one.
The cramping continued, just as bad most days. On November 5th, the slight spotting returned. On the 6th, it happened randomly throughout the day. By the 7th, there was bleeding every time I went to the bathroom. I finally called a new OB and made an appointment. Unfortunately, he couldn't see me until December 4th. I explained my situation to the receptionist and she suggested I get into my old OB for peace of mind, and that she would call me right away with any cancellations that my new OB had. After getting over my pride, I called my old OB, spoke to her assistant and insisted I have an appointment by the end of day since the bleeding had increased. I got a call at the end of the day from the assistant saying she never got a chance to talk to the OB and she would be back the next day- I never heard from them again. Luckily, the bleeding stopped.
The next few weeks, the cramping wasn't all that bad. I was still mostly on bed rest, and the cramping was constant, but the most severe cramps were more random and less often.
On November 19th, the severe cramps returned. I was doubled over most of the day, but I had promised Rylee I would take her to the zoo the next day. You see, I had not done much with her since the cramping began. I spent most of my time laying on the couch or in bed. I missed having fun with my daughter. So on Tuesday the 20th I took Rylee to the zoo. We didn't spend as much time there as we normally do, but we had fun getting out together. When I got home, the bleeding had returned. It was more than spotting, but not what they consider "severe" enough. On the 21st, I went to St Francis Labor & Delivery anyway. I was 15 week 4 days, and they usually don't see you until 16 weeks, but luckily they kept me since I had called earlier in the day very upset about everything.
The nurse swabbed me for any infections- all came back negative. The resident OB checked me and let me know my outer cervix was 2-3cm dilated, but that was normal for someone that has delivered a baby- my inner cervix was closed. I was concerned that none of the doctors had noted that previously. He also said my cervix was very raw and irritated but he couldn't figure out a cause/reason. He did a bedside ultrasound, and said my placenta looked low and could be the cause of the bleeding. Baby had a heartbeat and was kicking around in there. Still no one could tell me anything, and I was sent home with the instructions of rest if I was bleeding and in pain.
Hindsight being 20/20 I only state this now that I know, but at the time I didn't put the two things together. A few days after I left L&D the bleeding I was having changed- this may be TMI for some- it became very watery. I just thought whatever might be close to causing a type of infection was leaving, but actually my amniotic sac probably had a small tear in it and my water was leaking. I also started getting a severe headache and fevers around the same time.
I have a fetal doppler at home and regularly used it since I was only feeling slight flutters and all of the pain. I wanted to make sure baby was still doing good in there. On Tuesday the 27th, while Rylee was taking her nap, I decided to listen to baby. The heart rate seemed very high and actually worried me at first. I kept thinking "he's scared, he's panicking" but I researched the heart rate and according to what I found it wasn't "that" high. I believe had I been taken seriously by anyone previous to this I might've called someone about it, but I didn't. This was the last time I know for a fact that my baby was alive.
On Wednesday night, Paul asked to hear the baby's heartbeat. I couldn't find it. I assumed since he was still small, he was hiding- though deep in my heart I think I knew. I tried 3 times the next day, after eating lots of starchy and sugary things, and still couldn't find it. I started researching 2nd trimester miscarriages that day. On Friday after not being able to find the heartbeat again, I told Paul we should be prepared for bad news at our appointment on the upcoming Tuesday. I was denial, and refused to believe what I already knew and was refusing anymore trips to the hospital.
On Saturday, December 1st, I woke up to consistent cramps, and Paul insisting we go back to L&D so we could know for sure. First we went and got our Christmas tree, and took Rylee to my mom's. I was still reluctant about going to the hospital, I wanted to stay oblivious to the obvious. Paul finally got me to the hospital and our worse nightmares were confirmed- baby didn't have a heartbeat. The nurse checked me and my consistent cramps were contractions- I was actually in labor. I was told at that time that it looked like I didn't have any water left in the amniotic sac (which is why I think my water started leaking about a week before).
At 9:37pm, I gave birth to my sweet sleeping angel baby boy, Preston Hayes. I was able to hold him, kiss him, talk to him, and give him all my love and adoration. I did have to have surgery to remove my placenta, and I lost a lot of blood (about 20%). Paul got some alone time with his son while I was in surgery, and then when we got to the recovery room, we got some more time alone with him. I was discharged by noon on Sunday.
To say my life has been whirlwind since then is an understatement. Time seems to go so slowly, but so fast at the same time. I have a weird sense of peace most of the time- which makes me feel guilty. Since I was in so much pain for so long, I have this feeling Preston felt it or sensed it- especially at the end when I heard the elevated heartbeat- so I know he's no longer in pain and that makes me feel like everything is OK now. I hate, hate, HATE that he isn't here with us, but knowing I could've been putting him through pain kills me.
I have to say, being able to be a mom to Rylee again has been enjoyable too. I felt so bad about all the things I couldn't do with her for so long- I literally cried most weekends because of it. The other day I was able to sit on the floor and play and color with her without being in any pain- it kills me to think of why I was able to do it, but seeing the happiness on Rylee's face when she asked me to color with her and I said "ok" warms my heart. It's such a catch-22 and there are times it hurts but mostly I've been happy. Without Rylee, I can't imagine how the pain would take over and consume us. Rylee is our light in the darkness right now. We need her now more than she can ever understand. I can't wait until she's old enough to understand what a blessing she is, and to understand the life and existence of her little brother.
Don't get me wrong, Paul and I still have our grieving time. We talk about Preston almost daily. We cry, we hold each other, we think about what could've been, and what our future holds. We were given a mold of his hands and feet, and we sleep with it at night. We love and miss our baby boy more than most people could imagine.
I believe that is most of the story and I think it answers some of the questions I've been asked, and it feels good to type the story out. I also know if we were to ever be blessed with another pregnancy what to look for in warning signs, and what to no longer accept as a valid answer. We get the pathology report next week and will potentially know for sure what happened, but like I said earlier I'm pretty sure I already know.
To end... here is a picture of me marveling over my sweet baby boy shortly after he was born.
On October 22nd, I was 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant and I started cramping and had some slight spotting. This was very reminiscent of my miscarriage 3 years ago so I freaked out and went to the ER. We were blessed to see a happy, healthy baby turning flips and waving during a bedside ultrasound. All tests for infections came back negative. They couldn't give me a reason for the cramping or spotting, but told me to call my OB and take it easy until it went away.
The next day I called my OB first thing in the morning, and again that afternoon, waiting to hear back. I was still having a lot of cramping pain, but luckily the spotting had seemed to go away. I finally got a call back from OB's medical assistant at 5:00pm- 30 minutes after closing- telling me my OB was actually in surgery all day, but she was writing it off to round ligament pain and that I needed to drink more water, but she would pass the info on to my OB and call back the next day.
On Wednesday, I was still in a lot of pain. I mean drop to my knees, roll into a fetal position cramps. When I received a call from a nurse I had never seen or talked to saying my OB agreed with her assistant, I started bawling. I realized no one understood the pain I was in, and they were just writing off what I was describing as "nothing." I tried my best to explain to the nurse the pain I was in and that Tylenol was not helping, and that I was drinking close to 100oz in water with no relief. The nurse suggested ibuprofen, to my horror. If you've ever been pregnant, you know that they say ibuprofen is a strict no-no. After I calmed down and talked to a few friends and my mom, I called back insisting a more formal ultrasound and to be seen by any of the OBs in the practice, hoping face-to-face would help me better explain what I was feeling. I called several times with that request, without any response. Finally, we just went to the ER at St. Francis since I knew they would give me a formal ultrasound. I wanted to know if there were any cysts, tears, abruptions, etc. that could be causing the pain.
At the ER, we waited 4 hours in the waiting room to be seen. The ER doctor did a bedside ultrasound and once again there was baby with a healthy heartbeat. She also ordered a formal ultrasound to check all of the things that a bedside ultrasound can't see- which is exactly what I wanted. The radiologist checked everything out and couldn't see anything wrong. The placenta was in a good position, no tears, no cysts, etc. She said it looked like I had a tilted uterus that was trying to correct itself and that could be where the cramps were coming from. The doctor didn't confirm or deny this, but sent me home with the same instructions as the first ER: rest and call my OB. I received a call the next morning from the Imaging Center because my OB ordered a formal ultrasound, wish she would've called me before I waited 8 hours in the ER for one.
The cramping continued, just as bad most days. On November 5th, the slight spotting returned. On the 6th, it happened randomly throughout the day. By the 7th, there was bleeding every time I went to the bathroom. I finally called a new OB and made an appointment. Unfortunately, he couldn't see me until December 4th. I explained my situation to the receptionist and she suggested I get into my old OB for peace of mind, and that she would call me right away with any cancellations that my new OB had. After getting over my pride, I called my old OB, spoke to her assistant and insisted I have an appointment by the end of day since the bleeding had increased. I got a call at the end of the day from the assistant saying she never got a chance to talk to the OB and she would be back the next day- I never heard from them again. Luckily, the bleeding stopped.
The next few weeks, the cramping wasn't all that bad. I was still mostly on bed rest, and the cramping was constant, but the most severe cramps were more random and less often.
On November 19th, the severe cramps returned. I was doubled over most of the day, but I had promised Rylee I would take her to the zoo the next day. You see, I had not done much with her since the cramping began. I spent most of my time laying on the couch or in bed. I missed having fun with my daughter. So on Tuesday the 20th I took Rylee to the zoo. We didn't spend as much time there as we normally do, but we had fun getting out together. When I got home, the bleeding had returned. It was more than spotting, but not what they consider "severe" enough. On the 21st, I went to St Francis Labor & Delivery anyway. I was 15 week 4 days, and they usually don't see you until 16 weeks, but luckily they kept me since I had called earlier in the day very upset about everything.
The nurse swabbed me for any infections- all came back negative. The resident OB checked me and let me know my outer cervix was 2-3cm dilated, but that was normal for someone that has delivered a baby- my inner cervix was closed. I was concerned that none of the doctors had noted that previously. He also said my cervix was very raw and irritated but he couldn't figure out a cause/reason. He did a bedside ultrasound, and said my placenta looked low and could be the cause of the bleeding. Baby had a heartbeat and was kicking around in there. Still no one could tell me anything, and I was sent home with the instructions of rest if I was bleeding and in pain.
Hindsight being 20/20 I only state this now that I know, but at the time I didn't put the two things together. A few days after I left L&D the bleeding I was having changed- this may be TMI for some- it became very watery. I just thought whatever might be close to causing a type of infection was leaving, but actually my amniotic sac probably had a small tear in it and my water was leaking. I also started getting a severe headache and fevers around the same time.
I have a fetal doppler at home and regularly used it since I was only feeling slight flutters and all of the pain. I wanted to make sure baby was still doing good in there. On Tuesday the 27th, while Rylee was taking her nap, I decided to listen to baby. The heart rate seemed very high and actually worried me at first. I kept thinking "he's scared, he's panicking" but I researched the heart rate and according to what I found it wasn't "that" high. I believe had I been taken seriously by anyone previous to this I might've called someone about it, but I didn't. This was the last time I know for a fact that my baby was alive.
On Wednesday night, Paul asked to hear the baby's heartbeat. I couldn't find it. I assumed since he was still small, he was hiding- though deep in my heart I think I knew. I tried 3 times the next day, after eating lots of starchy and sugary things, and still couldn't find it. I started researching 2nd trimester miscarriages that day. On Friday after not being able to find the heartbeat again, I told Paul we should be prepared for bad news at our appointment on the upcoming Tuesday. I was denial, and refused to believe what I already knew and was refusing anymore trips to the hospital.
On Saturday, December 1st, I woke up to consistent cramps, and Paul insisting we go back to L&D so we could know for sure. First we went and got our Christmas tree, and took Rylee to my mom's. I was still reluctant about going to the hospital, I wanted to stay oblivious to the obvious. Paul finally got me to the hospital and our worse nightmares were confirmed- baby didn't have a heartbeat. The nurse checked me and my consistent cramps were contractions- I was actually in labor. I was told at that time that it looked like I didn't have any water left in the amniotic sac (which is why I think my water started leaking about a week before).
At 9:37pm, I gave birth to my sweet sleeping angel baby boy, Preston Hayes. I was able to hold him, kiss him, talk to him, and give him all my love and adoration. I did have to have surgery to remove my placenta, and I lost a lot of blood (about 20%). Paul got some alone time with his son while I was in surgery, and then when we got to the recovery room, we got some more time alone with him. I was discharged by noon on Sunday.
To say my life has been whirlwind since then is an understatement. Time seems to go so slowly, but so fast at the same time. I have a weird sense of peace most of the time- which makes me feel guilty. Since I was in so much pain for so long, I have this feeling Preston felt it or sensed it- especially at the end when I heard the elevated heartbeat- so I know he's no longer in pain and that makes me feel like everything is OK now. I hate, hate, HATE that he isn't here with us, but knowing I could've been putting him through pain kills me.
I have to say, being able to be a mom to Rylee again has been enjoyable too. I felt so bad about all the things I couldn't do with her for so long- I literally cried most weekends because of it. The other day I was able to sit on the floor and play and color with her without being in any pain- it kills me to think of why I was able to do it, but seeing the happiness on Rylee's face when she asked me to color with her and I said "ok" warms my heart. It's such a catch-22 and there are times it hurts but mostly I've been happy. Without Rylee, I can't imagine how the pain would take over and consume us. Rylee is our light in the darkness right now. We need her now more than she can ever understand. I can't wait until she's old enough to understand what a blessing she is, and to understand the life and existence of her little brother.
Don't get me wrong, Paul and I still have our grieving time. We talk about Preston almost daily. We cry, we hold each other, we think about what could've been, and what our future holds. We were given a mold of his hands and feet, and we sleep with it at night. We love and miss our baby boy more than most people could imagine.
I believe that is most of the story and I think it answers some of the questions I've been asked, and it feels good to type the story out. I also know if we were to ever be blessed with another pregnancy what to look for in warning signs, and what to no longer accept as a valid answer. We get the pathology report next week and will potentially know for sure what happened, but like I said earlier I'm pretty sure I already know.
To end... here is a picture of me marveling over my sweet baby boy shortly after he was born.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
12 weeks and 22 months!!
How far along are you?: 12 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: -1 from last week (-4 . 6 total)
Sleep: not so exhausted anymore, back to my night owl self
Best moment this week: Under bad circumstances, seeing our baby twice this week, one time dancing and flipping around
Movement: Hopefully soon!
Food cravings/aversion: I have spur of the moment cravings- like queso tonight!
Gender: Less than 2 months until we know!
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: not having these insane cramps
What I'm looking forward to: Feeling all those flips I saw this week
Milestones: End of the 1st trimester!
Baby girl you are 22 months old today!! I can't believe it! In just 2 short, and most likely quick thanks to the holidays, month you are going to be TWO! I'm pretty sure I forbade 1, so I'm not sure how 2 got here so fast.
You are mostly wearing 2T and 24 month clothes, though occasionally an 18 month will fit. You have mostly been in disposables (ugh!) because I am too exhausted to do regular laundry, let alone diaper laundry, and well my nausea just isn't having it either. Hopefully, in the next few weeks as I start feeling more like myself, we'll get you back into cloth. Though, I think you just about ready to potty train- I need to start making time for that.
Your vocabulary and sentence usage has EXPLODED this month! You talk in sentences all the time now, but you are still babbling some. You have basically quit taking naps, because I don't want to deal with the fight it causes anymore, and you do OK most days without one. If you fall asleep in the car, we can usually get you inside still asleep and you take a pretty good nap though. Now that you are off your antibiotics, you are doing better at sleeping through the night again- though your cold gave us a problem last night. I can't wait until you are completely better! Hopefully this winter isn't too hard on us.
Mommy and Daddy love you Bug!!
Saturday, October 20, 2012
11 weeks!
How far along are you?: 11 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: -0.4 from last week (-3 . 6 total)
Sleep: could use some more, but not as exhausted
Best moment this week: Nothing big pops out
Movement: Can't wait!!
Food cravings/aversion: Gumbo
Gender: Christmas seems so far away
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: sleeping on my stomach comfortably
What I'm looking forward to: Honestly, a bump :)
Milestones: Another week down :)
Saturday, October 13, 2012
10 weeks!
How far along are you?: 10 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: -0.6 from last week (-3 . 2 total)
Sleep: not getting much of it though I'm exhausted
Best moment this week: Seeing our nugget on the ultrasound
Movement: Nope
Food cravings/aversion: None
Gender: Won't know until Christmas
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: a toddler who sleeps all night
What I'm looking forward to: Now that I've seen the baby I'm ready to feel him or her moving around
Milestones: Seeing the baby and hearing the heartbeat
Saturday, October 6, 2012
9 weeks!
How far along are you?: 9 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: -1 from last week (-2 . 6 total)
Sleep: so very very tired
Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeat on my home doppler
Movement: Nope
Food cravings/aversion: Nope
Gender: Won't know until Christmas
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: Sleep
What I'm looking forward to: Seeing our baby on Thursday
Milestones: Into the final month of the first trimester!
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