Trying Again

I'm hesitant to do this post because it's something Paul and I haven't sat down together and really discussed, but since passing the "ok to try again" date set by my doctor I've felt a pull to sit down and type out my feelings about this.

Before finding out the reasoning for losing Preston, I wasn't sure I'd ever want to try and get pregnant again. If it was something wrong with my body, or an unknown reason, I didn't want to take the chance of going through that again. After finding out it was a rare infection, I was ready mentally to be pregnant right away.

To be honest, this was probably my subconcsious wanting to prove to myself that I can have a happy and healthy baby. I think this because I was in the same place 3 years ago after our first loss. I wanted to be pregnant again right away back then and I got pretty obsessed with getting pregnant. Tracking my basal body temperature and- maybe TMI- cervical changes. Trying again became a second job to me and sex was something I HAD to do, not WANTED to do. This took a toll on mine and Paul's relationship, plus the depression of losing our first baby and we were in trouble. Finally, we sat down and talked about and it and I quit stressing about getting pregnant, a month and a half later I was pregnant with little miss Rylee.

Since February 1st, the date I thought I was prepared for, I've been a mess. The thought of being pregnant again is absolutely terrifying! I picture those 2 pink lines and I have an anxiety attack. First, there's a fear of losing another baby obviously. But then, there's this fear that I would be replacing Preston. Something I would never intentionally do, but it could happen with another baby in our lives.

I know I could never forget Preston, I have reminders of him all around our house. Rylee even asks to go see him- PS taking your living child to a cemetery to see your angel baby is one of the most horrible things. It's just a fear I have that with 2 kids in the house, he could be put on the back burner and I forget to tell Rylee and a potential future child about him.

And finally- though I've always pictured myself with 3 kids- Paul, Rylee, and I were laying in bed together last night playing and I realized I would be perfectly OK with this being our family. Never have I had that thought, but if God has no intentions of me having more children, then I'm perfectly happy with what I've been blessed with. This final thought scares me a little bit, because like I've said I've always wanted several kids and Paul and I got married with that in mind, but things can change. And God knows with Preston's loss, our life has definitely changed and maybe as far as Earth babies are concerned Rylee will be my only one. I know in Heaven I have 2 more babies waiting for me and I can't wait to hold them one day.

So that's where I am on "trying again." Obviously, nothing is set in stone and things can change a day from now or a year from now. I guess what matters is is that there won't be any stressing this time around, and if nothing ever changes I'm completely OK with it.

Two Months

Every time I sit down to write this post I just stare at the cursor blinking. So I'm just going to copy and paste some things I found soon after losing Preston that I read from time to time....

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. 

I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too. 

I think of you in silence.  I often say your name. 

But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame. 

Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part.  


God has you in His keeping.  I have you in my heart. 


I shed tears for what might have been.  A million times I've cried.  


If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. 

In life I loved you dearly.  In death I love you still.  


In my heart you hold a place no one can ever fill. 


It broke my heart to lose you but you didn't go alone 


for part of me went with you, the day God took you home. 

"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller

Daddy, please don't look so sad, Mama, please don't cry-


cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.


Please, try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.


Don't think he sent me to you, and then He changed his mind. 


You see, I am a special child and I am needed up above.


I'm the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love.


I'll always be there with you. Watch the sky at night... 


find the brightest star that is gleaming, that is my halo's brillant light.


You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.


That's me in the summer showers. I'll be dancing in the rain.


When you feel a little breeze, from the gentle wind that blows,

that's me 
planting a kiss on your nose. 


When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug,

that's me, 
I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.


So Daddy, please don't look so sad, Mama don't you cry.


I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth,

   Then she whispered as she closed the book,  "Too beautiful for earth."

We like the last one so much we will be putting "Too Beautiful for Earth" on Preston's marker.

Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon by Daughtry

Today could've been the day 
That you blow out your candles 
Make a wish as you close your eyes 
Today could've been the day 
Everybody was laughin' 
Instead I just sit here and cry 

Who would you be? 
What would you look like 
When you looked at me for the very first time 
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you 
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose 
Such a ray of light we never knew 
Gone too soon, yeah 

Would you have been president? 
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother 
One thing is evident 
Would've give all I had 
Would've loved you like no other 

Who would you be? 
What would you look like 
Would you have my smile and her eyes? 
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you 
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose 
Such a ray of light we never knew 
Gone too soon, yeah 

Not a day goes by, oh 
I'm always asking why, oh 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you 
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose 
Such a beautiful life we never knew 
Gone too soon 
You were gone too soon, yeah 

And not a day goes by 
That I don't think of you

Anxiety

Please forgive any tangents or misspellings this post might offer.. I might be writing this with a couple of glasses of wine in my system :)


It's crazy what can bring on the worse bouts of anxiety for me since losing Preston. Seeing a pregnant person or newborn baby is a given- especially as I get closer to the due date, but it's the random things that bring on the worst anxiety and leave me gasping for air.

All week I had planned on taking Rylee to the zoo today. It called for particularly warm weather, though it was expected to be a bit windy. She was excited to "see the anminals" and I was excited to get out of the house- seriously, we have got to get enrolled in dance or gymnastics soon! Anyways, this morning we had to make a quick trip to the grocery store for some pantry/fridge staples and then we were off to the zoo.

Rylee and I were dancing and singing in the car the whole way there. We even planned to go see Nana afterwards, so we were both excited for the day ahead. That's when we reached the entrance to the zoo, and I had a flashback.... Ya see, the last time we had went to the zoo was the day my bleeding got bad again when I was pregnant- 12 days before I had Preston. I saw him the next day in labor & delivery and all was well... but all I could think as we pulled into the zoo was how that day was the beginning of the end... I pulled into a parking spot and just tried to silently cry my fears and anxiety away- I didn't want to upset Rylee. I spent the entire time we were at the zoo talking to and describing things to Rylee, it was all I could do to keep my mind busy and focused elsewhere.

But as tonight as grown quiet in our house I keep going back to that moment when I saw the zoo entrance and freaked out. Seriously, its the random things that send me into that downward spiral faster than anything else.

I'm at the point that though I'm OK most days, I'm not sleeping well and I keep thinking about if there was anything that could've been done by me or the doctors to change our outcome. Specifically, when I started to get the fevers that last week, he still was alive, I heard his heartbeat 3 days into me being sick. If I would've sought treatment for those fevers could that have prolonged his time long enough to have him born alive and in the NICU? I keep focusing on things like this after everyone is asleep and my mind takes over....

I know that I can't change anything but the closer May gets here the higher my anxiety feels. I'm actually going to look into talking to someone. I really don't want to be medicated but I definitely think talking to someone about how I feel will help. Writing this blog helps wonders but I think I need to know if I actually need a professional's help or not.

With that said, tomorrow night Paul and I will be getting a date night (the night I had Preston was supposed to be a date night) so that will be nice to have some quiet time with him. Hopefully we can just have some good "us time" not "Rylee time" or "Preston time" or "sad time." I need some good quality "I love you time." It's been way too long...

I think I'll read some now and hopefully get some sleep before Rylee wakes up tonight- another thing we're dealing with in the Griffiths' house: night wakings... fun stuff never ends :)

One Month

This post is late... and to be honest, it's because I was avoiding writing it. But tonight I figure I should.

Two days ago was 1 month since I had my own personal angel in my arms. The month has been a whirlwind of emotion. Because not only did I lose my son, we had holiday after holiday to celebrate, and then of course our little girls birthday! We were up and down all month. I worry now that things are settling down, we'll get it hit with emotion- and hit hard.

I do think this month hasn't been as it could be, at least for me. I could've fallen into a dark hole and refuse to come out. I could've been extremely angry at anyone and everyone. I could've just been numb or oblivious. But for the most part, I think I've been, well, me. Paul and I do a good job at checking in with each other to see how we're doing and handling things. We try not to focus on our loss too much. As much as we will always remember Preston and want to live in that moment forever, we can't freeze time and we have a little girl to raise. Some days that is hard, some days I just want to lay in bed and hold my heart shaped ceramic mold with his hand and feet impressions and just cry, but that just isn't fair to her. I know I don't always have to be strong for her or in front of her, but I can't completely lose myself- her mom- when she needs me too.

One of the hardest things I've had to encounter in this past month is baby boy clothes. I have heard a lot of moms of boys complain about how they can never find things for their boys to wear but for months (long before we knew what we were having) I've wanted to buy so many things from the baby boy section at Target. Seeing those little outfits have been one of those "hits me out of nowhere" reminders that hits hard. I try to stay away from that side of the kid section at the store now- I literally go all the way around to avoid it.

I had a moment of panic a couple of weeks ago. I was going to be seeing a friend who is currently pregnant with a little boy, and is due 3 weeks before I was. I was down and out of it for most of the week and kept telling Paul that I didn't want to go to this get-together but if he wanted me there I would be there. I didn't fully decide to go until a few hours before, and even then I was holding back the tears while getting ready. The anxiety that week absolutely killed me, and was SO much worse than actually seeing her! In fact, once we got to the party all was OK- really good even. Paul felt bad because he didn't realize until we were there that that was why I didn't want to go, but I was so happy I did. Our daughters got to play and I got some adult interaction- which is always a plus for a stay at home mom :)  Plus I got over the anxiety of seeing a pregnant person- which had been a huge fear of mine.

In the past month, I've gone to Preston's grave 3 times. I thought I would be there more often, but I think I made the right choice of not having him closer, or I would probably spend too much time there. It has been hard every. single. time. But that's expected, right? No one plans to talk to their kid through dirt and a coffin. Another thing every time I go to see him, I'm amazed at the number of graves there are in the Garden of Angels- the area Floral Haven uses for kids 12 and under. So many people have lost so many babies, it's heart breaking, but in a sick way reassuring. I've always known I'm not alone in this, and have even talked a lot with someone who has gone through this a few months before me, but being there reaffirms that I'm not the only mom who has a piece of her heart in that ground.

We plan on ordering Preston's memorial stone in the next few weeks, hopefully. We need to get some details first, but both of us hate that the only thing marking him is a piece of laminated paper with his name, so we're wanting it done sooner rather than later.

The next month, and well the future, is completely up for grabs at the moment. We're going day to day, one step at a time. We know there will be some set backs along the way, but hopefully we can keep pushing forward- that's our only option anyways. Maybe some day we will have the family we planned long before we got married, or maybe we already have the family God intended us to have- either way, we are happy... and broken.... but we will survive no matter what life throws at us. This we know for sure since I don't really think life can throw much more at us at this point.

Reflections...

What an original title for the end of the year post, right?? I can't think of anything unique right now, so it'll have to do.

They say how you bring in the new year sets the tone for the rest of your year- well isn't that the truth. 2012 started out with Paul being very sick- so sick he couldn't be a part of Rylee's first birthday party. Eventually, he ended up in the hospital with double pneumonia. Fun stuff....

I had an appendectomy, Rylee had stitches and an UTI, and well if you read my blog you know how this last month of 2012 has been. So I would think that saying holds some truth- at least it did for our family this year.

Paul is going to bed early tonight so he can work a double tomorrow- let's hope 2013 doesn't bring on more work and sleep, because then I would really miss my hubby. I'm hoping for a healthy 2013 for all of us.

But in all honesty, 2013 can't possibly be any worse than 2012- so really we're guaranteed an improvement.... right? RIGHT?! Well, I can only hope so... we shall see

TWO!!

My lil bug is officially two years old!!! I just can't believe that it's been 2 years since she came into this world. Today has been spent setting up Rylee's surprise birthday present. Thankfully, Paul had the day off to entertain her while I did most of the dirty work. We made a promise before she was born that we would always spend her birthday together, no matter what (obviously until she wants nothing to do with us and then maybe just the 2 of us will spend it together haha). Last year, we were out and about all day. This year, we spent the day at home- which was really nice. Her party is on Saturday so we have a lot to do before then, but tomorrow I plan on just enjoying my 2 year old :)

Alright bug... Right now, you are sleeping in a big girl twin bed (that was your surprise present)! You wear 2T clothes, and are only sleeping in a diaper (size 4- it's too much work for cloth right now)- the rest of the day you wear undies! I'm so proud of you for basically potty training yourself. You still have an accident here and there, but you are very good at stopping it and running to the bathroom. You are very active, you are ALWAYS moving! But you also love to color and draw. I'm thinking I'll be enrolling you in dance or gymnastics here soon to give you something to do while it's so cold out. You have been so fun recently! I can't wait to see what all you have in store for us these coming months- I love watching you learn and grow, you warm my heart baby girl!