One Month

This post is late... and to be honest, it's because I was avoiding writing it. But tonight I figure I should.

Two days ago was 1 month since I had my own personal angel in my arms. The month has been a whirlwind of emotion. Because not only did I lose my son, we had holiday after holiday to celebrate, and then of course our little girls birthday! We were up and down all month. I worry now that things are settling down, we'll get it hit with emotion- and hit hard.

I do think this month hasn't been as it could be, at least for me. I could've fallen into a dark hole and refuse to come out. I could've been extremely angry at anyone and everyone. I could've just been numb or oblivious. But for the most part, I think I've been, well, me. Paul and I do a good job at checking in with each other to see how we're doing and handling things. We try not to focus on our loss too much. As much as we will always remember Preston and want to live in that moment forever, we can't freeze time and we have a little girl to raise. Some days that is hard, some days I just want to lay in bed and hold my heart shaped ceramic mold with his hand and feet impressions and just cry, but that just isn't fair to her. I know I don't always have to be strong for her or in front of her, but I can't completely lose myself- her mom- when she needs me too.

One of the hardest things I've had to encounter in this past month is baby boy clothes. I have heard a lot of moms of boys complain about how they can never find things for their boys to wear but for months (long before we knew what we were having) I've wanted to buy so many things from the baby boy section at Target. Seeing those little outfits have been one of those "hits me out of nowhere" reminders that hits hard. I try to stay away from that side of the kid section at the store now- I literally go all the way around to avoid it.

I had a moment of panic a couple of weeks ago. I was going to be seeing a friend who is currently pregnant with a little boy, and is due 3 weeks before I was. I was down and out of it for most of the week and kept telling Paul that I didn't want to go to this get-together but if he wanted me there I would be there. I didn't fully decide to go until a few hours before, and even then I was holding back the tears while getting ready. The anxiety that week absolutely killed me, and was SO much worse than actually seeing her! In fact, once we got to the party all was OK- really good even. Paul felt bad because he didn't realize until we were there that that was why I didn't want to go, but I was so happy I did. Our daughters got to play and I got some adult interaction- which is always a plus for a stay at home mom :)  Plus I got over the anxiety of seeing a pregnant person- which had been a huge fear of mine.

In the past month, I've gone to Preston's grave 3 times. I thought I would be there more often, but I think I made the right choice of not having him closer, or I would probably spend too much time there. It has been hard every. single. time. But that's expected, right? No one plans to talk to their kid through dirt and a coffin. Another thing every time I go to see him, I'm amazed at the number of graves there are in the Garden of Angels- the area Floral Haven uses for kids 12 and under. So many people have lost so many babies, it's heart breaking, but in a sick way reassuring. I've always known I'm not alone in this, and have even talked a lot with someone who has gone through this a few months before me, but being there reaffirms that I'm not the only mom who has a piece of her heart in that ground.

We plan on ordering Preston's memorial stone in the next few weeks, hopefully. We need to get some details first, but both of us hate that the only thing marking him is a piece of laminated paper with his name, so we're wanting it done sooner rather than later.

The next month, and well the future, is completely up for grabs at the moment. We're going day to day, one step at a time. We know there will be some set backs along the way, but hopefully we can keep pushing forward- that's our only option anyways. Maybe some day we will have the family we planned long before we got married, or maybe we already have the family God intended us to have- either way, we are happy... and broken.... but we will survive no matter what life throws at us. This we know for sure since I don't really think life can throw much more at us at this point.

Reflections...

What an original title for the end of the year post, right?? I can't think of anything unique right now, so it'll have to do.

They say how you bring in the new year sets the tone for the rest of your year- well isn't that the truth. 2012 started out with Paul being very sick- so sick he couldn't be a part of Rylee's first birthday party. Eventually, he ended up in the hospital with double pneumonia. Fun stuff....

I had an appendectomy, Rylee had stitches and an UTI, and well if you read my blog you know how this last month of 2012 has been. So I would think that saying holds some truth- at least it did for our family this year.

Paul is going to bed early tonight so he can work a double tomorrow- let's hope 2013 doesn't bring on more work and sleep, because then I would really miss my hubby. I'm hoping for a healthy 2013 for all of us.

But in all honesty, 2013 can't possibly be any worse than 2012- so really we're guaranteed an improvement.... right? RIGHT?! Well, I can only hope so... we shall see

TWO!!

My lil bug is officially two years old!!! I just can't believe that it's been 2 years since she came into this world. Today has been spent setting up Rylee's surprise birthday present. Thankfully, Paul had the day off to entertain her while I did most of the dirty work. We made a promise before she was born that we would always spend her birthday together, no matter what (obviously until she wants nothing to do with us and then maybe just the 2 of us will spend it together haha). Last year, we were out and about all day. This year, we spent the day at home- which was really nice. Her party is on Saturday so we have a lot to do before then, but tomorrow I plan on just enjoying my 2 year old :)

Alright bug... Right now, you are sleeping in a big girl twin bed (that was your surprise present)! You wear 2T clothes, and are only sleeping in a diaper (size 4- it's too much work for cloth right now)- the rest of the day you wear undies! I'm so proud of you for basically potty training yourself. You still have an accident here and there, but you are very good at stopping it and running to the bathroom. You are very active, you are ALWAYS moving! But you also love to color and draw. I'm thinking I'll be enrolling you in dance or gymnastics here soon to give you something to do while it's so cold out. You have been so fun recently! I can't wait to see what all you have in store for us these coming months- I love watching you learn and grow, you warm my heart baby girl!

Halfway??

So I should be making a post about being halfway. Halfway done with my pregnancy, halfway to seeing my precious baby. In the past week or two, we would have had our anatomy scan, where the sex would've been determined, though we would have had it written down to find out on Christmas morning (assuming we could've made it that long- we were pretty anxious). In 3 days we would be finding out that we were right and that we were going to have a baby boy.

Crazy to think about what should be happening in my life right now.....

Instead, I had my sweet baby boy 3 weeks ago. I held his sleeping body in my arms for as long as I, emotionally, could- which was like 3am the next day. Never will I see him again on this Earth. Never will I see him smile in his sleep, coo, laugh, find his toes. Never will he keep me up at all hours of the night rocking forever. Never will I stress out on the lack of, excess of, or consistency of his poop- trust me it happens!

So, unfortunately, I'm nowhere close to halfway. This is just the beginning of life without Preston. A beginning that hurts like hell. A beginning that is masked and added to because of the stress of the holidays- which actually don't seem so stressful this year (Paul and I took it easy on everyone, and thankfully everyone has been understanding of the insane amount of gift cards we bought for them).

This is a long road that I want to get off of. I never had a desire (who would?) to be on this road again- it was hard the first time and we never saw, heard, or felt that baby. I don't know why anyone would think I'm strong enough to deal with this twice, let alone once. I'm struggling with the milestones that I would be reaching as time goes on, and I know it's only going to get harder as we get closer to May- I would prefer that we just skip that month but the likelihood of that happening isn't great, so I need to learn to deal with this pain and move on.

I guess being halfway would just be too easy right now. So for a bit, I'm going to be on a bumpy road, but that's just the beginning. In time, the bumps will smooth out and though the reminders will always be there, the road will become a bit smoother and things will get a little easier. I know there's no way to know how long it will take to get there so I hope that no matter how long I'm on the bumpy road I have my friends and family helping me as I trip and fall. And when the day comes that I find smoother ground, they applaud me for making it and I can thank them for never leaving my side.

I hope everyone holds their loved ones a little tighter this Christmas and holiday season and enjoys the time they have with them.

Follow Up Appointment

Today was my follow up appointment from Preston's birth. I was not looking forward to this in the least. I wasn't wanting to hear about how there was no reason for his loss or that my body failed me in some way. Plus this would be my first time meeting this OB/GYN- so I was already nervous. Also, I should've met him 3 days after Preston's birth had I still been pregnant.

When I got there the nurse didn't have the pathology report in my chart and I was worried that maybe it wasn't ready yet, and I would have to come back yet again. So I sat there and I waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally Dr. Thompson came in and I was immediately comfortable with him- he sat down next to me in some really comfy chairs and we chatted. We discussed my past pregnancies and then this one.

Finally, he pulled out the pathology report. He was shocked that we didn't already know the results of it. I was shocked that there was actually a cause:

Severe Necrotizing Acute Chorioamnionitis caused by peptostreptococcus.

Basically, my placenta had a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad bacterial infection caused by a pretty nasty strain of strep that was completely destroying the tissue.

How it got in my uterus and to my placenta is unknown, but the chances of it ever happening again are extremely small. The OB also plans to take a very proactive approach when we get pregnant again. I will be tested from my first appointment for strep and throughout the entire pregnancy.

I asked if the cramps and bleeding weren't related to losing Preston then, but he told me that they were in fact related. By the time I started cramping and spotting, the bacteria had already reached my placenta and my body was trying to prevent it from getting worse. This led to the question of if my old OB would have taken me seriously could all of this have been prevented? Probably not was the answer. There's no way to have known that it had reached my placenta without having the placenta to test, which you can't do until the placenta is expelled after delivery.

It's so nice to have some kind of answer, other than my body sucks. It's also nice to know that the chances of this happening in the future are slim to none- though the chance of it happening in the first place was slim to none as well. So the fact that he is being proactive presently to see if this bacteria has decided to take up residence in my body and trying to treat that, but he also plans on checking frequently throughout my next pregnancy so that hopefully we won't ever go through this again.

Rough Weekend

I'm not sure what I want this blog to be about anymore. It might just turn into me ranting about my emotions with Rylee updates thrown in (she will be TWO in 10 days!!!). Today I have to discuss my emotion-wrecked weekend.

When I woke up Saturday, I knew it was going to be a rough day. Physically, I felt OK- had a bad headache. But I was grumpy and really just wanted to lay in bed all day and cry some. I spent enough time doing that for 6 weeks though and hate the time I missed with my family, so I drug myself to the couch. I sat there moody most of the day, it didn't help that Rylee was whiny too. That evening we went to my parent's and my mood kind of perked up- probably because my mom was dealing with Rylee's whiny-ness (PS that sounds horribly mean, I know).

That evening I had several glasses of wine and laid in bed with Paul and watched The Office. I don't know if it was my husband, the wine, or the funny TV show but I was finally feeling better. It was a good evening. Though my insomnia is back in full force and I don't usually lay down and close my eyes until around 1am.

Sunday I woke up feeling better, still had a slight headache and was a little dizzy, but I knew it was going to be a better day. We were celebrating Christmas with Paul's family since they will going to see my sister-in-law for the holidays. We went over early that morning and soon did presents. Watching Rylee open and play with her wagon was so much fun! She loves her present from Grammy and Granddad so much!! It was as everyone dispersed to other parts of the house before lunch and it got quiet that I looked at Paul and knew he got the feeling of overwhelming sadness, just as I did. Within minutes, we were sitting on the couch holding each other, not saying a word. I was soon crying knowing I would never see Preston get so excited like Rylee had with her present.

I know things can come out of nowhere when grieving, but I was completely blindsided by this. Preston was never supposed to be here this Christmas, but I felt like we were missing someone as we all sat around laughing and smiling. The sadness carried over to after Rylee went to bed and Paul and I talked a little, but mostly we just sat on the couch together our legs intertwined doing our own thing. We went to bed together and discussed the future a bit, but without really discussing anything- confusing huh? Yeah, I was too....

Today, it's a new day, and I'm a little numb today. I want to be happy and not all melancholy, but I can't help but feel a little down. Looks like me and baby girl are going to have to go to the park or something to distract me and get me to have some fun.

Here's to a new day!

Bitter Post...

I'm entitled to a bitter post, right?? Well even if I'm not I'm about to do it anyway...

Paul and I decided very early on in our relationship that kids were a big deal for both of us. Soon after we got married we were pregnant for the first time. Though we lost that baby and had to deal with the financial implications of the needed surgery and all the ultrasound and doctors visits- we forged on. In April, we found ourselves pregnant again. So in our first year of marriage we experienced 2 pregnancies, technically.

We were financially prepared for both of them. I'm not saying we were completely secure in our finances, but we bought our own baby gear: crib, car seat, strollers, etc. We didn't feel comfortable asking family and friends to make such high dollar purchases. Granted, I think its GREAT when people want to chip in and buy baby gear for a family, and I'm sure we would've had that as well. We just bought it before they got a chance. Also, we felt like that WE made the decision to get pregnant and bring a kid into this world, we needed to bear the responsibility of the financial part as well.

When we decided to have another kid, we were no better money wise- in fact, due to all the hospitalizations of 2012 we might have been a bit worse off. But we made the conscious decision when we had Rylee to get gender neutral gear, so it could all be reused, and we felt like no matter what we could make a second baby work without any huge added expenses.

Here comes the bitter part......

About a week after I lost Preston, I log onto one of my facebook groups to see a girl who frequently requests help (items/money) for her family (young, married, 1 baby with another on the way-2 under 2) asking for more help for a friend of hers. This friend is due next month with a little girl and has basically nothing for the baby- she was recently given a car seat, bouncer, and some clothes 3 months and up. The girl making the request basically blasted her friend's family for not helping out. Ummm... I'm sorry but YOUR BABY YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. If you are mature enough to make the decision to have sex without protection, you better be mature enough to financially take care of a baby.

I was a little bitter when I read this, but I decided to suggest that the friend looks into the local Pregnancy Resource Center. You take some classes and they give you "money" to "buy" things that are needed- diapers, formula, clothes, etc. Its a win-win. You get some pregnancy/parenting help and get the things you can't afford in return.

Here is where the really bitter part comes in...

I was told that the friend won't ask for help!!! That this girl was getting donations because the friend is too prideful to go and get the help that she obviously needs. I'm sorry but WHAT?! You can't afford diapers, clothes, a crib for your baby that is due in less than 4 weeks, but you are too PROUD to ask for help?? I got very angry and had to force myself to not respond on the page- so I'm ranting here. The girl had to beg and plead to throw the girl a baby shower- where she would receive some of the things she needed....

I'm not one to want to accept help either. I get it, I really do. When I was first laid up when all my cramping started this pregnancy, so many people offered to help and take Rylee, or cook and clean. I thanked everyone graciously, but knew full well I wouldn't be taking advantage of that. A friend of mine basically told me one day that she was bringing me lunch and I needed to tell her what I wanted. And that's how I am, so I really understand where this girl is coming from. But there is a new baby coming that doesn't have much of anything- all pride goes out the window at that point. You don't matter much anymore, it is ALL about that little newborn that you are bringing into this world. As a mom, she should be taking and doing what she can to make sure she can provide for her baby- even if that means giving up her seat on the Pride Train.

After I had Preston, I knew I needed help. People have brought us food, gift cards, presents. I've let Rylee go places without me when I normally wouldn't. I need help and this time I'm not to proud to ask for it. This girl needs to grow up and realize she needs to accept help before its too late.

Ok.... I've got my bitterness out of me now :)