Halfway??

So I should be making a post about being halfway. Halfway done with my pregnancy, halfway to seeing my precious baby. In the past week or two, we would have had our anatomy scan, where the sex would've been determined, though we would have had it written down to find out on Christmas morning (assuming we could've made it that long- we were pretty anxious). In 3 days we would be finding out that we were right and that we were going to have a baby boy.

Crazy to think about what should be happening in my life right now.....

Instead, I had my sweet baby boy 3 weeks ago. I held his sleeping body in my arms for as long as I, emotionally, could- which was like 3am the next day. Never will I see him again on this Earth. Never will I see him smile in his sleep, coo, laugh, find his toes. Never will he keep me up at all hours of the night rocking forever. Never will I stress out on the lack of, excess of, or consistency of his poop- trust me it happens!

So, unfortunately, I'm nowhere close to halfway. This is just the beginning of life without Preston. A beginning that hurts like hell. A beginning that is masked and added to because of the stress of the holidays- which actually don't seem so stressful this year (Paul and I took it easy on everyone, and thankfully everyone has been understanding of the insane amount of gift cards we bought for them).

This is a long road that I want to get off of. I never had a desire (who would?) to be on this road again- it was hard the first time and we never saw, heard, or felt that baby. I don't know why anyone would think I'm strong enough to deal with this twice, let alone once. I'm struggling with the milestones that I would be reaching as time goes on, and I know it's only going to get harder as we get closer to May- I would prefer that we just skip that month but the likelihood of that happening isn't great, so I need to learn to deal with this pain and move on.

I guess being halfway would just be too easy right now. So for a bit, I'm going to be on a bumpy road, but that's just the beginning. In time, the bumps will smooth out and though the reminders will always be there, the road will become a bit smoother and things will get a little easier. I know there's no way to know how long it will take to get there so I hope that no matter how long I'm on the bumpy road I have my friends and family helping me as I trip and fall. And when the day comes that I find smoother ground, they applaud me for making it and I can thank them for never leaving my side.

I hope everyone holds their loved ones a little tighter this Christmas and holiday season and enjoys the time they have with them.