Rough Weekend

I'm not sure what I want this blog to be about anymore. It might just turn into me ranting about my emotions with Rylee updates thrown in (she will be TWO in 10 days!!!). Today I have to discuss my emotion-wrecked weekend.

When I woke up Saturday, I knew it was going to be a rough day. Physically, I felt OK- had a bad headache. But I was grumpy and really just wanted to lay in bed all day and cry some. I spent enough time doing that for 6 weeks though and hate the time I missed with my family, so I drug myself to the couch. I sat there moody most of the day, it didn't help that Rylee was whiny too. That evening we went to my parent's and my mood kind of perked up- probably because my mom was dealing with Rylee's whiny-ness (PS that sounds horribly mean, I know).

That evening I had several glasses of wine and laid in bed with Paul and watched The Office. I don't know if it was my husband, the wine, or the funny TV show but I was finally feeling better. It was a good evening. Though my insomnia is back in full force and I don't usually lay down and close my eyes until around 1am.

Sunday I woke up feeling better, still had a slight headache and was a little dizzy, but I knew it was going to be a better day. We were celebrating Christmas with Paul's family since they will going to see my sister-in-law for the holidays. We went over early that morning and soon did presents. Watching Rylee open and play with her wagon was so much fun! She loves her present from Grammy and Granddad so much!! It was as everyone dispersed to other parts of the house before lunch and it got quiet that I looked at Paul and knew he got the feeling of overwhelming sadness, just as I did. Within minutes, we were sitting on the couch holding each other, not saying a word. I was soon crying knowing I would never see Preston get so excited like Rylee had with her present.

I know things can come out of nowhere when grieving, but I was completely blindsided by this. Preston was never supposed to be here this Christmas, but I felt like we were missing someone as we all sat around laughing and smiling. The sadness carried over to after Rylee went to bed and Paul and I talked a little, but mostly we just sat on the couch together our legs intertwined doing our own thing. We went to bed together and discussed the future a bit, but without really discussing anything- confusing huh? Yeah, I was too....

Today, it's a new day, and I'm a little numb today. I want to be happy and not all melancholy, but I can't help but feel a little down. Looks like me and baby girl are going to have to go to the park or something to distract me and get me to have some fun.

Here's to a new day!