Church

Three weeks ago, I approached Paul about attending church. We'd talked about it in the past, but it was never something we followed through on. I showed him the website and Statement of Faith of a local church to see how he would feel about trying them out, he agreed that he liked what he saw and would be willing to go the following Sunday. I was thrilled and nervous for a couple reasons.

Firstly, I've never left Rylee without someone that I don't consider family- so leaving her with a stranger was terrifying to both of us. However, I learned that a lady in our neighborhood serves in the 2 year old class at the 8:30 service and she walked me through everything that would happen when we got there, dropped her off, picked her up, etc. I immediately felt more comfortable about that, and I was excited that Rylee would be getting a chance to socialize with kids her age and learn about God all at the same time.

Secondly, I get really anxious and nervous about putting myself in new situations. I don't like being the "new person." It terrifies me and usually turns me off of doing new things. However, I was determined with Paul by my side I could push through and go to church.

Within a few days, I realized the devil was already trying to thwart our efforts in joining a church. My parents had given us tickets to a concert downtown for Saturday night, meaning Rylee would be at Paul's parent's and we would be out late. Getting up for that 8:30 service was sounding harder and harder, but I knew if we didn't go then we wouldn't go at all.

7:45 Sunday morning rolled around and I hopped out of bed determined we were going- even though we both missed our alarms. We got ready hurriedly, picked up Rylee and headed back across town to get to church. After getting Rylee checked in, we didn't have time to worry about her being left with people we didn't know because worship was undergoing and we wanted to be sure and find seats.

We loved the service, and we happened to start going on a day where they were holding a "baptism bash." More than 100 people throughout the day would be baptized- I had tears in my eyes as the worship band sang and the crowd cheered as person after person was baptized. I felt so touched throughout the whole service, I knew I had found the right place for me, and I was hoping that Paul liked it and that Rylee enjoyed her time too.

Seeing the smile on Rylee's face when we picked her up was so heartwarming for me and I knew she had enjoyed her time there. Later, talking to Paul, I learned he enjoyed it too. I was thrilled! We agreed to go back the following Sunday.

Since attending LifeChurch.tv Owasso I have been reading the Bible daily, stopping to pray throughout the day, and praying with Rylee before bed- also trying to live my life my Christ-like. One of my constant prayers has been that Paul not just be willing to attend church, but that he also opens up to other aspects of it- reading the Bible, accepting Jesus into his heart, etc. Last night, I had planned on discussing this with him, but before I got the chance I asked him what he was doing on his iPad... he told me he was reading the bible!!! I just started smiling like a dork and praising God. He read several chapters in Genesis last night and was actually excited he knew some of the stories already.

I couldn't be more thrilled where our lives are heading and I'm so happy Rylee will grow up going to church and knowing Christ and his love and sacrifice for her.

Facebook

I have decided to take a facebook hiatus. The "social" site was distracting me from spending the time I should be spending with my husband and daughter- making it very opposite of social. I plan on reactivating some time in the future when I control how often I look at it- trust me it was very very bad. I have a tendency to get addicted to things on the internet- when I was younger it was chat rooms, when I was pregnant it was the TheBump and since college it's been Facebook. It's time for me to take control of that and look at the world I'm living in, and not the one on the computer.

I will be keeping my blog updated though :)

Pictures

Ever have a completely normal day then you check the mail and you are completely thrown for a loop? Well that happened yesterday...

When I checked the mail, I noticed a padded mailer- trying to think what I could've ordered (who knows?!) I walked back inside without really looking at it... it was really cold and rainy out. When I got inside and my coat off, I turned the mailer over and realized it was from St. Francis Labor & Delivery Bereavement Services. I'm pretty sure everything froze right at that moment. I was trying to think if maybe I left something in my room or if there was more paperwork for us, seriously what would they be sending us- especially almost 3 months later?!

I stood at the counter just staring at this envelope for what seemed like the longest time- when really it probably wasn't more than 2 minutes. When I finally opened the envelope the only thing in it was a a CD case and a note. The note said something to the effect of "Here are some pictures of your baby, hope they help you find peace and comfort."

My. World. Halted.

I started shaking and crying almost instantly. I remembered them asking if I wanted pictures taken, and I told them my mom had my camera and was taking pictures, but I didn't remember anything more than that. I had no idea they ended up taking pictures, and I had NO CLUE they would be mailing me these pictures, especially since it's been awhile. I hold the case and just stared at it. I hadn't looked at pictures of Preston since about a week after his memorial service, but I had to know what was on this disc.

I finally made it to my computer and put the disc in. While it was loading, I thought maybe I should wait for Paul to get home to look at them, but I just couldn't... I had to see them right away. And then there he was... my sweet lil angel baby. Pictures of him, his hands, his feet. I was sobbing before I knew it. I miss him and want to hold him so badly.

Paul and I have had a rough week in terms of missing Preston. He had a breakdown moment on Monday, and mine was on Tuesday. I'm not really sure what his was concerning, but mine was more about Rylee, I guess. She was taking care of all of her baby dolls and Little People characters. Giving them each a kiss and then placing them on a pillow and covering them all with a blanket. She was so nurturing and I couldn't help picturing her with Preston being a wonderful big sister. Oh goodness, she would've loved that little boy so much- and I know she still can with time, once she's old enough to understand.

I guess the pictures showing up now is a way of letting us know he is still with us. I prayed a lot for peace last night and honestly slept pretty good, and Rylee slept all night so that was refreshing.  I slept holding the mold of Preston's hands and feet which I haven't done in awhile, but I needed something of his near me.

I'm thinking about sending St Francis a letter requesting that they warn people maybe in a letter or email the week before that these pictures will be sent out, so that the grieving parents have a chance to prepare for it. I don't think it's a bad thing they send them out, I love having pictures of my angel, just some warning would have been nice.

Trying Again

I'm hesitant to do this post because it's something Paul and I haven't sat down together and really discussed, but since passing the "ok to try again" date set by my doctor I've felt a pull to sit down and type out my feelings about this.

Before finding out the reasoning for losing Preston, I wasn't sure I'd ever want to try and get pregnant again. If it was something wrong with my body, or an unknown reason, I didn't want to take the chance of going through that again. After finding out it was a rare infection, I was ready mentally to be pregnant right away.

To be honest, this was probably my subconcsious wanting to prove to myself that I can have a happy and healthy baby. I think this because I was in the same place 3 years ago after our first loss. I wanted to be pregnant again right away back then and I got pretty obsessed with getting pregnant. Tracking my basal body temperature and- maybe TMI- cervical changes. Trying again became a second job to me and sex was something I HAD to do, not WANTED to do. This took a toll on mine and Paul's relationship, plus the depression of losing our first baby and we were in trouble. Finally, we sat down and talked about and it and I quit stressing about getting pregnant, a month and a half later I was pregnant with little miss Rylee.

Since February 1st, the date I thought I was prepared for, I've been a mess. The thought of being pregnant again is absolutely terrifying! I picture those 2 pink lines and I have an anxiety attack. First, there's a fear of losing another baby obviously. But then, there's this fear that I would be replacing Preston. Something I would never intentionally do, but it could happen with another baby in our lives.

I know I could never forget Preston, I have reminders of him all around our house. Rylee even asks to go see him- PS taking your living child to a cemetery to see your angel baby is one of the most horrible things. It's just a fear I have that with 2 kids in the house, he could be put on the back burner and I forget to tell Rylee and a potential future child about him.

And finally- though I've always pictured myself with 3 kids- Paul, Rylee, and I were laying in bed together last night playing and I realized I would be perfectly OK with this being our family. Never have I had that thought, but if God has no intentions of me having more children, then I'm perfectly happy with what I've been blessed with. This final thought scares me a little bit, because like I've said I've always wanted several kids and Paul and I got married with that in mind, but things can change. And God knows with Preston's loss, our life has definitely changed and maybe as far as Earth babies are concerned Rylee will be my only one. I know in Heaven I have 2 more babies waiting for me and I can't wait to hold them one day.

So that's where I am on "trying again." Obviously, nothing is set in stone and things can change a day from now or a year from now. I guess what matters is is that there won't be any stressing this time around, and if nothing ever changes I'm completely OK with it.

Two Months

Every time I sit down to write this post I just stare at the cursor blinking. So I'm just going to copy and paste some things I found soon after losing Preston that I read from time to time....

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. 

I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too. 

I think of you in silence.  I often say your name. 

But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame. 

Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part.  


God has you in His keeping.  I have you in my heart. 


I shed tears for what might have been.  A million times I've cried.  


If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. 

In life I loved you dearly.  In death I love you still.  


In my heart you hold a place no one can ever fill. 


It broke my heart to lose you but you didn't go alone 


for part of me went with you, the day God took you home. 

"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller

Daddy, please don't look so sad, Mama, please don't cry-


cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.


Please, try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.


Don't think he sent me to you, and then He changed his mind. 


You see, I am a special child and I am needed up above.


I'm the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love.


I'll always be there with you. Watch the sky at night... 


find the brightest star that is gleaming, that is my halo's brillant light.


You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.


That's me in the summer showers. I'll be dancing in the rain.


When you feel a little breeze, from the gentle wind that blows,

that's me 
planting a kiss on your nose. 


When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug,

that's me, 
I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.


So Daddy, please don't look so sad, Mama don't you cry.


I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth,

   Then she whispered as she closed the book,  "Too beautiful for earth."

We like the last one so much we will be putting "Too Beautiful for Earth" on Preston's marker.

Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon by Daughtry

Today could've been the day 
That you blow out your candles 
Make a wish as you close your eyes 
Today could've been the day 
Everybody was laughin' 
Instead I just sit here and cry 

Who would you be? 
What would you look like 
When you looked at me for the very first time 
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you 
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose 
Such a ray of light we never knew 
Gone too soon, yeah 

Would you have been president? 
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother 
One thing is evident 
Would've give all I had 
Would've loved you like no other 

Who would you be? 
What would you look like 
Would you have my smile and her eyes? 
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you 
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose 
Such a ray of light we never knew 
Gone too soon, yeah 

Not a day goes by, oh 
I'm always asking why, oh 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you 
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose 
Such a beautiful life we never knew 
Gone too soon 
You were gone too soon, yeah 

And not a day goes by 
That I don't think of you

Anxiety

Please forgive any tangents or misspellings this post might offer.. I might be writing this with a couple of glasses of wine in my system :)


It's crazy what can bring on the worse bouts of anxiety for me since losing Preston. Seeing a pregnant person or newborn baby is a given- especially as I get closer to the due date, but it's the random things that bring on the worst anxiety and leave me gasping for air.

All week I had planned on taking Rylee to the zoo today. It called for particularly warm weather, though it was expected to be a bit windy. She was excited to "see the anminals" and I was excited to get out of the house- seriously, we have got to get enrolled in dance or gymnastics soon! Anyways, this morning we had to make a quick trip to the grocery store for some pantry/fridge staples and then we were off to the zoo.

Rylee and I were dancing and singing in the car the whole way there. We even planned to go see Nana afterwards, so we were both excited for the day ahead. That's when we reached the entrance to the zoo, and I had a flashback.... Ya see, the last time we had went to the zoo was the day my bleeding got bad again when I was pregnant- 12 days before I had Preston. I saw him the next day in labor & delivery and all was well... but all I could think as we pulled into the zoo was how that day was the beginning of the end... I pulled into a parking spot and just tried to silently cry my fears and anxiety away- I didn't want to upset Rylee. I spent the entire time we were at the zoo talking to and describing things to Rylee, it was all I could do to keep my mind busy and focused elsewhere.

But as tonight as grown quiet in our house I keep going back to that moment when I saw the zoo entrance and freaked out. Seriously, its the random things that send me into that downward spiral faster than anything else.

I'm at the point that though I'm OK most days, I'm not sleeping well and I keep thinking about if there was anything that could've been done by me or the doctors to change our outcome. Specifically, when I started to get the fevers that last week, he still was alive, I heard his heartbeat 3 days into me being sick. If I would've sought treatment for those fevers could that have prolonged his time long enough to have him born alive and in the NICU? I keep focusing on things like this after everyone is asleep and my mind takes over....

I know that I can't change anything but the closer May gets here the higher my anxiety feels. I'm actually going to look into talking to someone. I really don't want to be medicated but I definitely think talking to someone about how I feel will help. Writing this blog helps wonders but I think I need to know if I actually need a professional's help or not.

With that said, tomorrow night Paul and I will be getting a date night (the night I had Preston was supposed to be a date night) so that will be nice to have some quiet time with him. Hopefully we can just have some good "us time" not "Rylee time" or "Preston time" or "sad time." I need some good quality "I love you time." It's been way too long...

I think I'll read some now and hopefully get some sleep before Rylee wakes up tonight- another thing we're dealing with in the Griffiths' house: night wakings... fun stuff never ends :)