Due Date

So Saturday would've been my due date with Preston. We were incredibly busy that day. Katrina and Annice graduated from TU, then there were graduation parties and Miss Vivi's 1st birthday party. Luckily, we got a chance to go out to Floral Haven and visit our little man. It was short lived because Rylee wanted to sprint through the cemetery- aren't 2 year olds fun? But we both got some alone time with him. I had a sob fest while there, but thankfully that was the only time I lost it during the day. I think being busy turned out to be a positive. I don't think there is much more I want to say about Saturday- it was mostly a normal weekend day for us, with a touch of sadness to the day for what could have been.

Here we go again....

May 7th

Oh goodness, I'm so excited to be typing this post (even though I won't be publishing it for quite some time)! I took a test this morning and I am pregnant AGAIN! As much as I wanted to tell Paul in a fun way, I called him immediately. There was no keeping that a secret for any longer than I had to. With Preston's due date just 4 days away, this has got to be the best time for us to find out. I immediately praised God and thanked Him for giving us this opportunity again and answering my prayers. God's will is such an amazing thing.

As much as I thought I would be scared or worried, I'm so thrilled to be embarking on this journey again. Most likely for the last time- I don't know what the outcome will be of this pregnancy, but no matter what I don't know that I want to go through the stress of trying to get pregnant and then dealing with early pregnancy and the worry that causes again. I do feel like fostering or adopting is in our future though- but that is a different subject for a different time.

The whole focus right now is I'M PREGNANT AGAIN! :) I haven't called the doctor yet because I want to let everything sink it before having to worry about doc appts and ultrasounds and blood tests, etc. I just want to enjoy these few moments of just being pregnant and the only people that know are myself, Paul, and Rylee :)

38 weeks

Today is significant for me for 2 reasons.

First, today I would've been 38 weeks pregnant. This is important to me because I had Rylee at 38 weeks pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant with Preston I counted out 38 weeks and figured I would have a baby close to or around this day. However true or false that could have been- lets face it all babies are different and come whenever they chose- it was what I thought in my head.

Secondly, today it has been exactly 5 months since the last time I heard Preston's heart beat. I'll never forget that moment- I had a video but I think Rylee accidentally deleted it- because it is forever engrained in my brain. I'll never forget how scared I knew he was, and that he was in pain. It was probably one of the scariest moments of my pregnancy- other than waiting for the confirmation that he was no longer with us.

The fact that these 2 events have fallen on the same day has proven emotionally difficult for me. I slept most of the day away, and has tried to compensate the sad feelings with spending time with my family and enjoying what I do have in my life. As we get closer to May 11th I feel Paul and I being closer and farther apart at the same time- it's hard to explain. I feel like I'm leaning on him more for things around the house, but emotionally I'm going into my own place. I know this isn't healthy or right, but it's just something that has been happening- or at least for me it has, I can't really speak for him. Hopefully we can get back to being on the same page in all respects.

On a happier, more positive note! Rylee turned 2 years 4 months old today- I know monthly birthdays aren't as important anymore, but I love counting down and getting to the 27th each month. She's learning and growing so much each month that I can hardly imagine when she was a newborn anymore. She loves to read and to sing and to dance and to draw/color. She can even draw a smiley face on her own. Its the cutest thing.

Even better, we claimed this little beauty as our own today. Sweet Harlee will be coming to live with us in about a month when she's 6 weeks old.

Proof

I promised I'd share the mock-up of Preston's headstone when we got it. Apparently it come through 2 weeks ago, but I tend to just delete my spam messages without reading them and that is where it was. But anyways, here it is:

It's exactly what we wanted. Can't wait to see the finished product.

Unexpected

I've been debating this post for a couple of days now. I know the people this involves read my blog, and I don't want them to doubt the love and happiness I have for them. I don't want them to think the things Paul or I have told them have been a farce, because it isn't. But I've been very open and honest about my emotions since losing Preston and I don't want to be dishonest now.

But I want to preface this post with this:

Josh and Staci, we love you guys so much. We are beyond thrilled for you guys and for bringing Noah into this world. Nothing I'm about to post negates any of that. My happiness for you guys honestly doesn't have words, it's nothing something I can explain, but Paul and I are so happy for you both and Zoey and the new adventure you have embarked on.

Ok, here it goes:

Since losing Preston, Paul's best friend, Josh, has checked up on his and made sure we were doing alright. Ya see, his wife, Staci, and I were pregnant at the same time, again. Zoey and Rylee were born 5 weeks apart and we were on that journey together again. Both of our families were thrilled to have babies born together again. Of course, after losing Preston, it would be they would have a baby at the end of this journey and we wouldn't. Every time Paul talked to Josh about this, he reiterated how excited we were for them, and that yes it would probably be a little painful, but that didn't change how happy we were that they would be welcoming a baby into this world. Never once was Paul being untruthful about this, because we were excited, especially when we found out they were having a little boy (and of course we found out we were too).

As the days went on this was still true. Even the day I knew Staci was having her little boy was I thrilled- because well, it was my birthday and how great to have a beautiful little baby born on my birthday into a family that I adore! I waited all day to hear that he was born and to see pictures. I didn't feel well on my birthday so after Paul got home I went to go have a warm bath, but I checked my Facebook before heading that way. And there he was, so beautiful, and I was prepared for the wonderful newbie happiness I had expected to feel.

However, the unexpected happened. I started sobbing uncontrollably and I couldn't stop. I went to my bath that was running and sat there crying my heart out. My body was racked with sobs, and I knew right then and there that my heart was breaking all over again. For the first time since losing Preston, I asked God "why?!" I cried out to Him in all my weaknesses. I was hurting but I was confused. I NEVER expected to feel what I felt at that moment. I expected it to hurt a little, but to be mostly happy for my friends.

I guess I had been in the bathroom for awhile because Paul came to check on me and he knew as soon as he saw me what had happened. I was so embarrassed I asked him to leave. I didn't want anyone to know how hurt and confused this happy thing made me. I've seen and held babies since losing Preston, which is why this threw me for a loop. I've hardly talked to Paul about that moment since it happened last week. Like I said, I'm embarrassed, especially since this action doesn't match up with how I really feel for my friends. I know it's something I need to talk to him about, because I also don't want him to think I've been untruthful about my feelings either.

Since then, I've ventured my way into the baby boy section at Target- something I've avoided- and bought that precious baby some presents. I was so excited to send him a gift. I can't wait to meet and hold him.

And again, I want to reinforce that I am so unbelievably happy for our friends' family, and that moment of extreme sadness has passed. Love you guys and that beautiful baby!

What Ifs...

Paul and I don't allow ourselves to live in the world of "what ifs." It's a very dangerous and depressing land that we don't like being in. However, the closer we get to May 11th, the harder it is to stay away from there. Last night, we were both in that place. It's easier if it's just one of us because we can pull the other one out, but when it's both of us the best we can do is hold each other, pray that it passes soon, and do something that distracts us (sleeping for Paul, reading for me).

Right now, our May 11th is jam packed full. We have TU graduation at 10 (for Katrina and Devin's girlfriend, Annice), a 1st birthday party at 2, and graduation party at 3. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. Part of me is happy to be so busy that maybe I won't have time to hurt, but part of me just wants to lay in bed all day by myself and grieve what I don't have. I also think about the "what ifs" for our schedule that day- if I was still pregnant, had a newborn, etc. I wouldn't be doing any of what's on that schedule most likely other than praying for labor or cuddling a cuddly little newborn. Like I said, I try not to go to that place, but with everything going on I just can't help but think about it.

In other news, my birthday is tomorrow. I'm hoping my headache goes away, my jaw quits hurting, my allergies quit bothering me, and most of all that it is better than today- which has been rough. I'll be 26... or as my brother says on the downhill slope to 30.. fun stuff :) Here's hoping 26 is so much better than 25!

EDIT:

Since typing this I've learned of the explosions at the Boston Marathon. My complaints seem hardly important to what has happened, again, in our nation. My prayers are going up to those killed, injured, families, medical personnel, volunteers, and all those affected by this tragedy. The pictures are horrifying and I'm so happy Rylee is out with Paul right now so I can watch the news and not have to worry about her seeing these things.

Four months

Yesterday was 4 months since I watched Paul place the smallest casket I've ever seen in the ground. 4 months since I was more than a couple of inches from Preston's body. 4 months since he was in our arms in some form or fashion.

Yesterday we ordered his headstone after 4 months. I'm not sure what took us so long to do it, but I know what kicked us into action was that his paper marker was removed and we weren't certain which grave was actually his. Not only do we not have our son close to us we couldn't find where his body was laid to rest and that was just terrifying and heartbreaking. It's like not being able to find your kid in the grocery store. We just had to hope we were at the right grave- and well that's not reassuring at all. So we placed our order yesterday.

Let me make a tangent real quick- please have life insurance of some kind for the peace of your family. We are so blessed that Floral Haven covered everything except the marker. There's no way we would have been able to afford all they did for us (and all families in the area with kids 13 and under) in addition to a marker. I had NO CLUE how expensive all of this could be. So please have some kind of plan in place for your family, just in case.

I wish I could upload a picture of what the marker will look like but I can't find one online. I'll share a photo as soon as I get the composite drawing and then again once it's delivered and installed. We were told it usually takes a month and a half, hopefully not too much longer though. We're both pretty anxious for this step to be taken care of. It's kind of the last step in laying Preston to rest in my eyes.

Overall, I got through this past month pretty well. Please just keep me in your thoughts and prayers in the next 6 or so weeks. They aren't going to be easy. Especially as my friends that I was pregnant with start having their babies. I'm so excited for them- more than they probably will ever know for reasons they can't understand- but it won't make it any easier. But as long as I get some newborn snuggles, I'll be fine :) You can't beat the smell and snuggles of a newbie in my eyes, no matter how hard it is or how bad it might hurt, so please bring me your little babies haha

Love you all and thanks for going through this journey with me!