6 weeks

5/19

How far along are you?: 6 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 0

Sleep: So excited

Best moment this week: lounging the weekend away- it's been our first non-busy weekend

Movement: Too early

Food cravings/aversion: Eggs aren't my favorite but I'm still eating them for breakfast

Gender: I have a hunch

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: Being able to enjoy pregnancy

What I'm looking forward to: I signed up to be a "model" for an ultrasound training class on the 24th.. just 5 more days!

Milestones: Sprout's heart is now beating and it's the size of a sweet pea

This morning I woke up to pretty intense cramps- not as bad as with Preston, but still bad- and brown spotting/discharge. I spent the day chugging water and the spotting is gone but I'm still having some bad cramps. Hoping to rest and have it gone soon. 

Paul and I were supposed to get baptized today but Rylee woke up sick and with the spotting we knew we just couldn't leave the house. I know Satan is trying to rip us from our newfound faith, but he will not succeed! We still watched this week's sermon thanks to LifeChurch.tv's Church Online program. We got to sing some worship songs with Rylee then watch Pastor Craig's sermon. We printed out and went over Rylee's lesson from LifeKids.tv so she still got to do some of what she would've had we gone. She was still upset that we didn't go to church, as were we, but it was just a risk we couldn't take. We are ready to get back next week though, and participate in the next baptisms! Satan won't keep us away for our Living God! 

5 weeks

5/12

How far along are you?: 5 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 0

Sleep: I could nap... I never nap

Best moment this week: Spending Mother's Day with everyone in my family

Movement: Too early

Food cravings/aversion: I eat everything put in front of me at this point- ugh except the smoothie I made this morning

Gender: Too early

Belly Button in or out: In

What I miss: not a thing- I feel so incredibly blessed to be pregnant again

What I'm looking forward to: My first appointment on the 28th

Milestones: Nothing really, I guess Sprout has gone from the size of a poppyseed to the size of an apple seed so yay for growing!

I can't believe I'm pregnant again. I'm not having too many symptoms. I'm exhausted, pee all the time, and waves of nausea come over me. I can't brush my teeth without gagging (a symptom I have with every pregnancy) but at least I'm not throwing up yet. I pray that this is our take home baby and we get to love and snuggle and cuddle this baby to our heart's content come January. 

Due Date

So Saturday would've been my due date with Preston. We were incredibly busy that day. Katrina and Annice graduated from TU, then there were graduation parties and Miss Vivi's 1st birthday party. Luckily, we got a chance to go out to Floral Haven and visit our little man. It was short lived because Rylee wanted to sprint through the cemetery- aren't 2 year olds fun? But we both got some alone time with him. I had a sob fest while there, but thankfully that was the only time I lost it during the day. I think being busy turned out to be a positive. I don't think there is much more I want to say about Saturday- it was mostly a normal weekend day for us, with a touch of sadness to the day for what could have been.

Here we go again....

May 7th

Oh goodness, I'm so excited to be typing this post (even though I won't be publishing it for quite some time)! I took a test this morning and I am pregnant AGAIN! As much as I wanted to tell Paul in a fun way, I called him immediately. There was no keeping that a secret for any longer than I had to. With Preston's due date just 4 days away, this has got to be the best time for us to find out. I immediately praised God and thanked Him for giving us this opportunity again and answering my prayers. God's will is such an amazing thing.

As much as I thought I would be scared or worried, I'm so thrilled to be embarking on this journey again. Most likely for the last time- I don't know what the outcome will be of this pregnancy, but no matter what I don't know that I want to go through the stress of trying to get pregnant and then dealing with early pregnancy and the worry that causes again. I do feel like fostering or adopting is in our future though- but that is a different subject for a different time.

The whole focus right now is I'M PREGNANT AGAIN! :) I haven't called the doctor yet because I want to let everything sink it before having to worry about doc appts and ultrasounds and blood tests, etc. I just want to enjoy these few moments of just being pregnant and the only people that know are myself, Paul, and Rylee :)

38 weeks

Today is significant for me for 2 reasons.

First, today I would've been 38 weeks pregnant. This is important to me because I had Rylee at 38 weeks pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant with Preston I counted out 38 weeks and figured I would have a baby close to or around this day. However true or false that could have been- lets face it all babies are different and come whenever they chose- it was what I thought in my head.

Secondly, today it has been exactly 5 months since the last time I heard Preston's heart beat. I'll never forget that moment- I had a video but I think Rylee accidentally deleted it- because it is forever engrained in my brain. I'll never forget how scared I knew he was, and that he was in pain. It was probably one of the scariest moments of my pregnancy- other than waiting for the confirmation that he was no longer with us.

The fact that these 2 events have fallen on the same day has proven emotionally difficult for me. I slept most of the day away, and has tried to compensate the sad feelings with spending time with my family and enjoying what I do have in my life. As we get closer to May 11th I feel Paul and I being closer and farther apart at the same time- it's hard to explain. I feel like I'm leaning on him more for things around the house, but emotionally I'm going into my own place. I know this isn't healthy or right, but it's just something that has been happening- or at least for me it has, I can't really speak for him. Hopefully we can get back to being on the same page in all respects.

On a happier, more positive note! Rylee turned 2 years 4 months old today- I know monthly birthdays aren't as important anymore, but I love counting down and getting to the 27th each month. She's learning and growing so much each month that I can hardly imagine when she was a newborn anymore. She loves to read and to sing and to dance and to draw/color. She can even draw a smiley face on her own. Its the cutest thing.

Even better, we claimed this little beauty as our own today. Sweet Harlee will be coming to live with us in about a month when she's 6 weeks old.

Proof

I promised I'd share the mock-up of Preston's headstone when we got it. Apparently it come through 2 weeks ago, but I tend to just delete my spam messages without reading them and that is where it was. But anyways, here it is:

It's exactly what we wanted. Can't wait to see the finished product.

Unexpected

I've been debating this post for a couple of days now. I know the people this involves read my blog, and I don't want them to doubt the love and happiness I have for them. I don't want them to think the things Paul or I have told them have been a farce, because it isn't. But I've been very open and honest about my emotions since losing Preston and I don't want to be dishonest now.

But I want to preface this post with this:

Josh and Staci, we love you guys so much. We are beyond thrilled for you guys and for bringing Noah into this world. Nothing I'm about to post negates any of that. My happiness for you guys honestly doesn't have words, it's nothing something I can explain, but Paul and I are so happy for you both and Zoey and the new adventure you have embarked on.

Ok, here it goes:

Since losing Preston, Paul's best friend, Josh, has checked up on his and made sure we were doing alright. Ya see, his wife, Staci, and I were pregnant at the same time, again. Zoey and Rylee were born 5 weeks apart and we were on that journey together again. Both of our families were thrilled to have babies born together again. Of course, after losing Preston, it would be they would have a baby at the end of this journey and we wouldn't. Every time Paul talked to Josh about this, he reiterated how excited we were for them, and that yes it would probably be a little painful, but that didn't change how happy we were that they would be welcoming a baby into this world. Never once was Paul being untruthful about this, because we were excited, especially when we found out they were having a little boy (and of course we found out we were too).

As the days went on this was still true. Even the day I knew Staci was having her little boy was I thrilled- because well, it was my birthday and how great to have a beautiful little baby born on my birthday into a family that I adore! I waited all day to hear that he was born and to see pictures. I didn't feel well on my birthday so after Paul got home I went to go have a warm bath, but I checked my Facebook before heading that way. And there he was, so beautiful, and I was prepared for the wonderful newbie happiness I had expected to feel.

However, the unexpected happened. I started sobbing uncontrollably and I couldn't stop. I went to my bath that was running and sat there crying my heart out. My body was racked with sobs, and I knew right then and there that my heart was breaking all over again. For the first time since losing Preston, I asked God "why?!" I cried out to Him in all my weaknesses. I was hurting but I was confused. I NEVER expected to feel what I felt at that moment. I expected it to hurt a little, but to be mostly happy for my friends.

I guess I had been in the bathroom for awhile because Paul came to check on me and he knew as soon as he saw me what had happened. I was so embarrassed I asked him to leave. I didn't want anyone to know how hurt and confused this happy thing made me. I've seen and held babies since losing Preston, which is why this threw me for a loop. I've hardly talked to Paul about that moment since it happened last week. Like I said, I'm embarrassed, especially since this action doesn't match up with how I really feel for my friends. I know it's something I need to talk to him about, because I also don't want him to think I've been untruthful about my feelings either.

Since then, I've ventured my way into the baby boy section at Target- something I've avoided- and bought that precious baby some presents. I was so excited to send him a gift. I can't wait to meet and hold him.

And again, I want to reinforce that I am so unbelievably happy for our friends' family, and that moment of extreme sadness has passed. Love you guys and that beautiful baby!