Gone Too Soon by Daughtry
Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry
Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah
Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've give all I had
Would've loved you like no other
Who would you be?
What would you look like
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah
Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah
And not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
Friday, January 18, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
Anxiety
Please forgive any tangents or misspellings this post might offer.. I might be writing this with a couple of glasses of wine in my system :)
It's crazy what can bring on the worse bouts of anxiety for me since losing Preston. Seeing a pregnant person or newborn baby is a given- especially as I get closer to the due date, but it's the random things that bring on the worst anxiety and leave me gasping for air.
All week I had planned on taking Rylee to the zoo today. It called for particularly warm weather, though it was expected to be a bit windy. She was excited to "see the anminals" and I was excited to get out of the house- seriously, we have got to get enrolled in dance or gymnastics soon! Anyways, this morning we had to make a quick trip to the grocery store for some pantry/fridge staples and then we were off to the zoo.
Rylee and I were dancing and singing in the car the whole way there. We even planned to go see Nana afterwards, so we were both excited for the day ahead. That's when we reached the entrance to the zoo, and I had a flashback.... Ya see, the last time we had went to the zoo was the day my bleeding got bad again when I was pregnant- 12 days before I had Preston. I saw him the next day in labor & delivery and all was well... but all I could think as we pulled into the zoo was how that day was the beginning of the end... I pulled into a parking spot and just tried to silently cry my fears and anxiety away- I didn't want to upset Rylee. I spent the entire time we were at the zoo talking to and describing things to Rylee, it was all I could do to keep my mind busy and focused elsewhere.
But as tonight as grown quiet in our house I keep going back to that moment when I saw the zoo entrance and freaked out. Seriously, its the random things that send me into that downward spiral faster than anything else.
I'm at the point that though I'm OK most days, I'm not sleeping well and I keep thinking about if there was anything that could've been done by me or the doctors to change our outcome. Specifically, when I started to get the fevers that last week, he still was alive, I heard his heartbeat 3 days into me being sick. If I would've sought treatment for those fevers could that have prolonged his time long enough to have him born alive and in the NICU? I keep focusing on things like this after everyone is asleep and my mind takes over....
I know that I can't change anything but the closer May gets here the higher my anxiety feels. I'm actually going to look into talking to someone. I really don't want to be medicated but I definitely think talking to someone about how I feel will help. Writing this blog helps wonders but I think I need to know if I actually need a professional's help or not.
With that said, tomorrow night Paul and I will be getting a date night (the night I had Preston was supposed to be a date night) so that will be nice to have some quiet time with him. Hopefully we can just have some good "us time" not "Rylee time" or "Preston time" or "sad time." I need some good quality "I love you time." It's been way too long...
I think I'll read some now and hopefully get some sleep before Rylee wakes up tonight- another thing we're dealing with in the Griffiths' house: night wakings... fun stuff never ends :)
It's crazy what can bring on the worse bouts of anxiety for me since losing Preston. Seeing a pregnant person or newborn baby is a given- especially as I get closer to the due date, but it's the random things that bring on the worst anxiety and leave me gasping for air.
All week I had planned on taking Rylee to the zoo today. It called for particularly warm weather, though it was expected to be a bit windy. She was excited to "see the anminals" and I was excited to get out of the house- seriously, we have got to get enrolled in dance or gymnastics soon! Anyways, this morning we had to make a quick trip to the grocery store for some pantry/fridge staples and then we were off to the zoo.
Rylee and I were dancing and singing in the car the whole way there. We even planned to go see Nana afterwards, so we were both excited for the day ahead. That's when we reached the entrance to the zoo, and I had a flashback.... Ya see, the last time we had went to the zoo was the day my bleeding got bad again when I was pregnant- 12 days before I had Preston. I saw him the next day in labor & delivery and all was well... but all I could think as we pulled into the zoo was how that day was the beginning of the end... I pulled into a parking spot and just tried to silently cry my fears and anxiety away- I didn't want to upset Rylee. I spent the entire time we were at the zoo talking to and describing things to Rylee, it was all I could do to keep my mind busy and focused elsewhere.
But as tonight as grown quiet in our house I keep going back to that moment when I saw the zoo entrance and freaked out. Seriously, its the random things that send me into that downward spiral faster than anything else.
I'm at the point that though I'm OK most days, I'm not sleeping well and I keep thinking about if there was anything that could've been done by me or the doctors to change our outcome. Specifically, when I started to get the fevers that last week, he still was alive, I heard his heartbeat 3 days into me being sick. If I would've sought treatment for those fevers could that have prolonged his time long enough to have him born alive and in the NICU? I keep focusing on things like this after everyone is asleep and my mind takes over....
I know that I can't change anything but the closer May gets here the higher my anxiety feels. I'm actually going to look into talking to someone. I really don't want to be medicated but I definitely think talking to someone about how I feel will help. Writing this blog helps wonders but I think I need to know if I actually need a professional's help or not.
With that said, tomorrow night Paul and I will be getting a date night (the night I had Preston was supposed to be a date night) so that will be nice to have some quiet time with him. Hopefully we can just have some good "us time" not "Rylee time" or "Preston time" or "sad time." I need some good quality "I love you time." It's been way too long...
I think I'll read some now and hopefully get some sleep before Rylee wakes up tonight- another thing we're dealing with in the Griffiths' house: night wakings... fun stuff never ends :)
Thursday, January 3, 2013
One Month
This post is late... and to be honest, it's because I was avoiding writing it. But tonight I figure I should.
Two days ago was 1 month since I had my own personal angel in my arms. The month has been a whirlwind of emotion. Because not only did I lose my son, we had holiday after holiday to celebrate, and then of course our little girls birthday! We were up and down all month. I worry now that things are settling down, we'll get it hit with emotion- and hit hard.
I do think this month hasn't been as it could be, at least for me. I could've fallen into a dark hole and refuse to come out. I could've been extremely angry at anyone and everyone. I could've just been numb or oblivious. But for the most part, I think I've been, well, me. Paul and I do a good job at checking in with each other to see how we're doing and handling things. We try not to focus on our loss too much. As much as we will always remember Preston and want to live in that moment forever, we can't freeze time and we have a little girl to raise. Some days that is hard, some days I just want to lay in bed and hold my heart shaped ceramic mold with his hand and feet impressions and just cry, but that just isn't fair to her. I know I don't always have to be strong for her or in front of her, but I can't completely lose myself- her mom- when she needs me too.
One of the hardest things I've had to encounter in this past month is baby boy clothes. I have heard a lot of moms of boys complain about how they can never find things for their boys to wear but for months (long before we knew what we were having) I've wanted to buy so many things from the baby boy section at Target. Seeing those little outfits have been one of those "hits me out of nowhere" reminders that hits hard. I try to stay away from that side of the kid section at the store now- I literally go all the way around to avoid it.
I had a moment of panic a couple of weeks ago. I was going to be seeing a friend who is currently pregnant with a little boy, and is due 3 weeks before I was. I was down and out of it for most of the week and kept telling Paul that I didn't want to go to this get-together but if he wanted me there I would be there. I didn't fully decide to go until a few hours before, and even then I was holding back the tears while getting ready. The anxiety that week absolutely killed me, and was SO much worse than actually seeing her! In fact, once we got to the party all was OK- really good even. Paul felt bad because he didn't realize until we were there that that was why I didn't want to go, but I was so happy I did. Our daughters got to play and I got some adult interaction- which is always a plus for a stay at home mom :) Plus I got over the anxiety of seeing a pregnant person- which had been a huge fear of mine.
In the past month, I've gone to Preston's grave 3 times. I thought I would be there more often, but I think I made the right choice of not having him closer, or I would probably spend too much time there. It has been hard every. single. time. But that's expected, right? No one plans to talk to their kid through dirt and a coffin. Another thing every time I go to see him, I'm amazed at the number of graves there are in the Garden of Angels- the area Floral Haven uses for kids 12 and under. So many people have lost so many babies, it's heart breaking, but in a sick way reassuring. I've always known I'm not alone in this, and have even talked a lot with someone who has gone through this a few months before me, but being there reaffirms that I'm not the only mom who has a piece of her heart in that ground.
We plan on ordering Preston's memorial stone in the next few weeks, hopefully. We need to get some details first, but both of us hate that the only thing marking him is a piece of laminated paper with his name, so we're wanting it done sooner rather than later.
The next month, and well the future, is completely up for grabs at the moment. We're going day to day, one step at a time. We know there will be some set backs along the way, but hopefully we can keep pushing forward- that's our only option anyways. Maybe some day we will have the family we planned long before we got married, or maybe we already have the family God intended us to have- either way, we are happy... and broken.... but we will survive no matter what life throws at us. This we know for sure since I don't really think life can throw much more at us at this point.
Two days ago was 1 month since I had my own personal angel in my arms. The month has been a whirlwind of emotion. Because not only did I lose my son, we had holiday after holiday to celebrate, and then of course our little girls birthday! We were up and down all month. I worry now that things are settling down, we'll get it hit with emotion- and hit hard.
I do think this month hasn't been as it could be, at least for me. I could've fallen into a dark hole and refuse to come out. I could've been extremely angry at anyone and everyone. I could've just been numb or oblivious. But for the most part, I think I've been, well, me. Paul and I do a good job at checking in with each other to see how we're doing and handling things. We try not to focus on our loss too much. As much as we will always remember Preston and want to live in that moment forever, we can't freeze time and we have a little girl to raise. Some days that is hard, some days I just want to lay in bed and hold my heart shaped ceramic mold with his hand and feet impressions and just cry, but that just isn't fair to her. I know I don't always have to be strong for her or in front of her, but I can't completely lose myself- her mom- when she needs me too.
One of the hardest things I've had to encounter in this past month is baby boy clothes. I have heard a lot of moms of boys complain about how they can never find things for their boys to wear but for months (long before we knew what we were having) I've wanted to buy so many things from the baby boy section at Target. Seeing those little outfits have been one of those "hits me out of nowhere" reminders that hits hard. I try to stay away from that side of the kid section at the store now- I literally go all the way around to avoid it.
I had a moment of panic a couple of weeks ago. I was going to be seeing a friend who is currently pregnant with a little boy, and is due 3 weeks before I was. I was down and out of it for most of the week and kept telling Paul that I didn't want to go to this get-together but if he wanted me there I would be there. I didn't fully decide to go until a few hours before, and even then I was holding back the tears while getting ready. The anxiety that week absolutely killed me, and was SO much worse than actually seeing her! In fact, once we got to the party all was OK- really good even. Paul felt bad because he didn't realize until we were there that that was why I didn't want to go, but I was so happy I did. Our daughters got to play and I got some adult interaction- which is always a plus for a stay at home mom :) Plus I got over the anxiety of seeing a pregnant person- which had been a huge fear of mine.
In the past month, I've gone to Preston's grave 3 times. I thought I would be there more often, but I think I made the right choice of not having him closer, or I would probably spend too much time there. It has been hard every. single. time. But that's expected, right? No one plans to talk to their kid through dirt and a coffin. Another thing every time I go to see him, I'm amazed at the number of graves there are in the Garden of Angels- the area Floral Haven uses for kids 12 and under. So many people have lost so many babies, it's heart breaking, but in a sick way reassuring. I've always known I'm not alone in this, and have even talked a lot with someone who has gone through this a few months before me, but being there reaffirms that I'm not the only mom who has a piece of her heart in that ground.
We plan on ordering Preston's memorial stone in the next few weeks, hopefully. We need to get some details first, but both of us hate that the only thing marking him is a piece of laminated paper with his name, so we're wanting it done sooner rather than later.
The next month, and well the future, is completely up for grabs at the moment. We're going day to day, one step at a time. We know there will be some set backs along the way, but hopefully we can keep pushing forward- that's our only option anyways. Maybe some day we will have the family we planned long before we got married, or maybe we already have the family God intended us to have- either way, we are happy... and broken.... but we will survive no matter what life throws at us. This we know for sure since I don't really think life can throw much more at us at this point.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Reflections...
What an original title for the end of the year post, right?? I can't think of anything unique right now, so it'll have to do.
They say how you bring in the new year sets the tone for the rest of your year- well isn't that the truth. 2012 started out with Paul being very sick- so sick he couldn't be a part of Rylee's first birthday party. Eventually, he ended up in the hospital with double pneumonia. Fun stuff....
I had an appendectomy, Rylee had stitches and an UTI, and well if you read my blog you know how this last month of 2012 has been. So I would think that saying holds some truth- at least it did for our family this year.
Paul is going to bed early tonight so he can work a double tomorrow- let's hope 2013 doesn't bring on more work and sleep, because then I would really miss my hubby. I'm hoping for a healthy 2013 for all of us.
But in all honesty, 2013 can't possibly be any worse than 2012- so really we're guaranteed an improvement.... right? RIGHT?! Well, I can only hope so... we shall see
They say how you bring in the new year sets the tone for the rest of your year- well isn't that the truth. 2012 started out with Paul being very sick- so sick he couldn't be a part of Rylee's first birthday party. Eventually, he ended up in the hospital with double pneumonia. Fun stuff....
I had an appendectomy, Rylee had stitches and an UTI, and well if you read my blog you know how this last month of 2012 has been. So I would think that saying holds some truth- at least it did for our family this year.
Paul is going to bed early tonight so he can work a double tomorrow- let's hope 2013 doesn't bring on more work and sleep, because then I would really miss my hubby. I'm hoping for a healthy 2013 for all of us.
But in all honesty, 2013 can't possibly be any worse than 2012- so really we're guaranteed an improvement.... right? RIGHT?! Well, I can only hope so... we shall see
Thursday, December 27, 2012
TWO!!
My lil bug is officially two years old!!! I just can't believe that it's been 2 years since she came into this world. Today has been spent setting up Rylee's surprise birthday present. Thankfully, Paul had the day off to entertain her while I did most of the dirty work. We made a promise before she was born that we would always spend her birthday together, no matter what (obviously until she wants nothing to do with us and then maybe just the 2 of us will spend it together haha). Last year, we were out and about all day. This year, we spent the day at home- which was really nice. Her party is on Saturday so we have a lot to do before then, but tomorrow I plan on just enjoying my 2 year old :)
Alright bug... Right now, you are sleeping in a big girl twin bed (that was your surprise present)! You wear 2T clothes, and are only sleeping in a diaper (size 4- it's too much work for cloth right now)- the rest of the day you wear undies! I'm so proud of you for basically potty training yourself. You still have an accident here and there, but you are very good at stopping it and running to the bathroom. You are very active, you are ALWAYS moving! But you also love to color and draw. I'm thinking I'll be enrolling you in dance or gymnastics here soon to give you something to do while it's so cold out. You have been so fun recently! I can't wait to see what all you have in store for us these coming months- I love watching you learn and grow, you warm my heart baby girl!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Halfway??
So I should be making a post about being halfway. Halfway done with my pregnancy, halfway to seeing my precious baby. In the past week or two, we would have had our anatomy scan, where the sex would've been determined, though we would have had it written down to find out on Christmas morning (assuming we could've made it that long- we were pretty anxious). In 3 days we would be finding out that we were right and that we were going to have a baby boy.
Crazy to think about what should be happening in my life right now.....
Instead, I had my sweet baby boy 3 weeks ago. I held his sleeping body in my arms for as long as I, emotionally, could- which was like 3am the next day. Never will I see him again on this Earth. Never will I see him smile in his sleep, coo, laugh, find his toes. Never will he keep me up at all hours of the night rocking forever. Never will I stress out on the lack of, excess of, or consistency of his poop- trust me it happens!
So, unfortunately, I'm nowhere close to halfway. This is just the beginning of life without Preston. A beginning that hurts like hell. A beginning that is masked and added to because of the stress of the holidays- which actually don't seem so stressful this year (Paul and I took it easy on everyone, and thankfully everyone has been understanding of the insane amount of gift cards we bought for them).
This is a long road that I want to get off of. I never had a desire (who would?) to be on this road again- it was hard the first time and we never saw, heard, or felt that baby. I don't know why anyone would think I'm strong enough to deal with this twice, let alone once. I'm struggling with the milestones that I would be reaching as time goes on, and I know it's only going to get harder as we get closer to May- I would prefer that we just skip that month but the likelihood of that happening isn't great, so I need to learn to deal with this pain and move on.
I guess being halfway would just be too easy right now. So for a bit, I'm going to be on a bumpy road, but that's just the beginning. In time, the bumps will smooth out and though the reminders will always be there, the road will become a bit smoother and things will get a little easier. I know there's no way to know how long it will take to get there so I hope that no matter how long I'm on the bumpy road I have my friends and family helping me as I trip and fall. And when the day comes that I find smoother ground, they applaud me for making it and I can thank them for never leaving my side.
I hope everyone holds their loved ones a little tighter this Christmas and holiday season and enjoys the time they have with them.
Crazy to think about what should be happening in my life right now.....
Instead, I had my sweet baby boy 3 weeks ago. I held his sleeping body in my arms for as long as I, emotionally, could- which was like 3am the next day. Never will I see him again on this Earth. Never will I see him smile in his sleep, coo, laugh, find his toes. Never will he keep me up at all hours of the night rocking forever. Never will I stress out on the lack of, excess of, or consistency of his poop- trust me it happens!
So, unfortunately, I'm nowhere close to halfway. This is just the beginning of life without Preston. A beginning that hurts like hell. A beginning that is masked and added to because of the stress of the holidays- which actually don't seem so stressful this year (Paul and I took it easy on everyone, and thankfully everyone has been understanding of the insane amount of gift cards we bought for them).
This is a long road that I want to get off of. I never had a desire (who would?) to be on this road again- it was hard the first time and we never saw, heard, or felt that baby. I don't know why anyone would think I'm strong enough to deal with this twice, let alone once. I'm struggling with the milestones that I would be reaching as time goes on, and I know it's only going to get harder as we get closer to May- I would prefer that we just skip that month but the likelihood of that happening isn't great, so I need to learn to deal with this pain and move on.
I guess being halfway would just be too easy right now. So for a bit, I'm going to be on a bumpy road, but that's just the beginning. In time, the bumps will smooth out and though the reminders will always be there, the road will become a bit smoother and things will get a little easier. I know there's no way to know how long it will take to get there so I hope that no matter how long I'm on the bumpy road I have my friends and family helping me as I trip and fall. And when the day comes that I find smoother ground, they applaud me for making it and I can thank them for never leaving my side.
I hope everyone holds their loved ones a little tighter this Christmas and holiday season and enjoys the time they have with them.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Follow Up Appointment
Today was my follow up appointment from Preston's birth. I was not looking forward to this in the least. I wasn't wanting to hear about how there was no reason for his loss or that my body failed me in some way. Plus this would be my first time meeting this OB/GYN- so I was already nervous. Also, I should've met him 3 days after Preston's birth had I still been pregnant.
When I got there the nurse didn't have the pathology report in my chart and I was worried that maybe it wasn't ready yet, and I would have to come back yet again. So I sat there and I waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally Dr. Thompson came in and I was immediately comfortable with him- he sat down next to me in some really comfy chairs and we chatted. We discussed my past pregnancies and then this one.
Finally, he pulled out the pathology report. He was shocked that we didn't already know the results of it. I was shocked that there was actually a cause:
Severe Necrotizing Acute Chorioamnionitis caused by peptostreptococcus.
Basically, my placenta had a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad bacterial infection caused by a pretty nasty strain of strep that was completely destroying the tissue.
How it got in my uterus and to my placenta is unknown, but the chances of it ever happening again are extremely small. The OB also plans to take a very proactive approach when we get pregnant again. I will be tested from my first appointment for strep and throughout the entire pregnancy.
I asked if the cramps and bleeding weren't related to losing Preston then, but he told me that they were in fact related. By the time I started cramping and spotting, the bacteria had already reached my placenta and my body was trying to prevent it from getting worse. This led to the question of if my old OB would have taken me seriously could all of this have been prevented? Probably not was the answer. There's no way to have known that it had reached my placenta without having the placenta to test, which you can't do until the placenta is expelled after delivery.
It's so nice to have some kind of answer, other than my body sucks. It's also nice to know that the chances of this happening in the future are slim to none- though the chance of it happening in the first place was slim to none as well. So the fact that he is being proactive presently to see if this bacteria has decided to take up residence in my body and trying to treat that, but he also plans on checking frequently throughout my next pregnancy so that hopefully we won't ever go through this again.
When I got there the nurse didn't have the pathology report in my chart and I was worried that maybe it wasn't ready yet, and I would have to come back yet again. So I sat there and I waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally Dr. Thompson came in and I was immediately comfortable with him- he sat down next to me in some really comfy chairs and we chatted. We discussed my past pregnancies and then this one.
Finally, he pulled out the pathology report. He was shocked that we didn't already know the results of it. I was shocked that there was actually a cause:
Severe Necrotizing Acute Chorioamnionitis caused by peptostreptococcus.
Basically, my placenta had a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad bacterial infection caused by a pretty nasty strain of strep that was completely destroying the tissue.
How it got in my uterus and to my placenta is unknown, but the chances of it ever happening again are extremely small. The OB also plans to take a very proactive approach when we get pregnant again. I will be tested from my first appointment for strep and throughout the entire pregnancy.
I asked if the cramps and bleeding weren't related to losing Preston then, but he told me that they were in fact related. By the time I started cramping and spotting, the bacteria had already reached my placenta and my body was trying to prevent it from getting worse. This led to the question of if my old OB would have taken me seriously could all of this have been prevented? Probably not was the answer. There's no way to have known that it had reached my placenta without having the placenta to test, which you can't do until the placenta is expelled after delivery.
It's so nice to have some kind of answer, other than my body sucks. It's also nice to know that the chances of this happening in the future are slim to none- though the chance of it happening in the first place was slim to none as well. So the fact that he is being proactive presently to see if this bacteria has decided to take up residence in my body and trying to treat that, but he also plans on checking frequently throughout my next pregnancy so that hopefully we won't ever go through this again.
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