Long time, no post. The past several weeks have been kind of surreal for me. I know that I'm pregnant- the amount of hunger I feel every couple of hours reminds me of that- but I just don't feel pregnant. Heck, I even look pregnant- I never have a bump this early- but I just can't wrap my head around it. Tomorrow is my 2nd appointment with my OB- I never had a second appointment with Preston, I cancelled my 2nd appointment with my old OB and scheduled with my new one, but was having to wait an additional month for it.
This 11th week is pretty significant and frightening for me. 11 weeks 2 days is when I started having bleeding and severe cramping with Preston. I'll be 11 weeks and 2 days tomorrow. I know it's not logical to think that tomorrow the floor is going to fall out from under me, but it''s still there in the back of my mind. Tomorrow, my OB plans on trying to pick up baby's heartbeat with a fetal doppler. I have yet to pick it up with my doppler, so it makes me a bit worried since I picked up Preston's heartbeat around 10 weeks. Hopefully, they calm my nerves and find it, even if it takes awhile.
I keep thinking about this "soft tissue mass" that is in the sac with Sprout and all the things that could be happening because of it. I worry about it not allowing for proper growth, about it growing and squishing the baby, or that it could just be diminishing in size and causing no issues. Honestly, that last option doesn't frequent my thoughts.
I hate that I feel so negative, or pessimistic, this go round, and if all turns out alright I worry that I'll regret not enjoying every minute of this, but it's SO HARD. I can't even explain how hard it is to try and be excited. I can't wait to see our babe again and hopefully put this fear behind us.
Until next time
Monday, June 24, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
2nd ultrasound
So I've gotten behind on my pregnancy updates- still taking pictures, but can't find my cord to upload them to my computer.
Yesterday, we had our second ultrasound. The first one through the PRC showed a small white mass in the sac with the baby, on the opposite side of the sac. The tech had no idea what it was. I mentioned it to Dr. T at my first appointment last week and he ordered an ultrasound so he could get a look at it- I never got pics from the PRC since their printer was done.
We went in yesterday and I was very very nervous. I've had some cramping, nothing as bad as I had with Preston, but still worrisome because of my history. I wasn't expecting good news, but was happy to see the flicker of the heartbeat yesterday of our Sprout. Unfortunately, I also saw the mass still. Not only was it bigger, and now lumpy, but it has also moved to be right next to baby. I've had several ultrasounds at this time of pregnancy and have NEVER seen anything like that, and I can't find anything on Dr. Google either. Still waiting to hear from OB about the radiologist's report, but kind of expecting bad news or more tests at the very least.
Here are the pictures of our Sprout, and that nasty little bother. Baby is in the lower right of the sac and the mass is above baby in both pictures. The circle with mostly black in the center is the yolk sac.
Yesterday, we had our second ultrasound. The first one through the PRC showed a small white mass in the sac with the baby, on the opposite side of the sac. The tech had no idea what it was. I mentioned it to Dr. T at my first appointment last week and he ordered an ultrasound so he could get a look at it- I never got pics from the PRC since their printer was done.
We went in yesterday and I was very very nervous. I've had some cramping, nothing as bad as I had with Preston, but still worrisome because of my history. I wasn't expecting good news, but was happy to see the flicker of the heartbeat yesterday of our Sprout. Unfortunately, I also saw the mass still. Not only was it bigger, and now lumpy, but it has also moved to be right next to baby. I've had several ultrasounds at this time of pregnancy and have NEVER seen anything like that, and I can't find anything on Dr. Google either. Still waiting to hear from OB about the radiologist's report, but kind of expecting bad news or more tests at the very least.
Here are the pictures of our Sprout, and that nasty little bother. Baby is in the lower right of the sac and the mass is above baby in both pictures. The circle with mostly black in the center is the yolk sac.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
6 weeks
5/19
How far along are you?: 6 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 0
Sleep: So excited
Best moment this week: lounging the weekend away- it's been our first non-busy weekend
Movement: Too early
Food cravings/aversion: Eggs aren't my favorite but I'm still eating them for breakfast
Gender: I have a hunch
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: Being able to enjoy pregnancy
What I'm looking forward to: I signed up to be a "model" for an ultrasound training class on the 24th.. just 5 more days!
Milestones: Sprout's heart is now beating and it's the size of a sweet pea
This morning I woke up to pretty intense cramps- not as bad as with Preston, but still bad- and brown spotting/discharge. I spent the day chugging water and the spotting is gone but I'm still having some bad cramps. Hoping to rest and have it gone soon.
Paul and I were supposed to get baptized today but Rylee woke up sick and with the spotting we knew we just couldn't leave the house. I know Satan is trying to rip us from our newfound faith, but he will not succeed! We still watched this week's sermon thanks to LifeChurch.tv's Church Online program. We got to sing some worship songs with Rylee then watch Pastor Craig's sermon. We printed out and went over Rylee's lesson from LifeKids.tv so she still got to do some of what she would've had we gone. She was still upset that we didn't go to church, as were we, but it was just a risk we couldn't take. We are ready to get back next week though, and participate in the next baptisms! Satan won't keep us away for our Living God!
Monday, May 13, 2013
5 weeks
5/12
How far along are you?: 5 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 0
Sleep: I could nap... I never nap
Best moment this week: Spending Mother's Day with everyone in my family
Movement: Too early
Food cravings/aversion: I eat everything put in front of me at this point- ugh except the smoothie I made this morning
Gender: Too early
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: not a thing- I feel so incredibly blessed to be pregnant again
What I'm looking forward to: My first appointment on the 28th
Milestones: Nothing really, I guess Sprout has gone from the size of a poppyseed to the size of an apple seed so yay for growing!
I can't believe I'm pregnant again. I'm not having too many symptoms. I'm exhausted, pee all the time, and waves of nausea come over me. I can't brush my teeth without gagging (a symptom I have with every pregnancy) but at least I'm not throwing up yet. I pray that this is our take home baby and we get to love and snuggle and cuddle this baby to our heart's content come January.
Due Date
So Saturday would've been my due date with Preston. We were incredibly busy that day. Katrina and Annice graduated from TU, then there were graduation parties and Miss Vivi's 1st birthday party. Luckily, we got a chance to go out to Floral Haven and visit our little man. It was short lived because Rylee wanted to sprint through the cemetery- aren't 2 year olds fun? But we both got some alone time with him. I had a sob fest while there, but thankfully that was the only time I lost it during the day. I think being busy turned out to be a positive. I don't think there is much more I want to say about Saturday- it was mostly a normal weekend day for us, with a touch of sadness to the day for what could have been.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Here we go again....
May 7th
Oh goodness, I'm so excited to be typing this post (even though I won't be publishing it for quite some time)! I took a test this morning and I am pregnant AGAIN! As much as I wanted to tell Paul in a fun way, I called him immediately. There was no keeping that a secret for any longer than I had to. With Preston's due date just 4 days away, this has got to be the best time for us to find out. I immediately praised God and thanked Him for giving us this opportunity again and answering my prayers. God's will is such an amazing thing.
As much as I thought I would be scared or worried, I'm so thrilled to be embarking on this journey again. Most likely for the last time- I don't know what the outcome will be of this pregnancy, but no matter what I don't know that I want to go through the stress of trying to get pregnant and then dealing with early pregnancy and the worry that causes again. I do feel like fostering or adopting is in our future though- but that is a different subject for a different time.
The whole focus right now is I'M PREGNANT AGAIN! :) I haven't called the doctor yet because I want to let everything sink it before having to worry about doc appts and ultrasounds and blood tests, etc. I just want to enjoy these few moments of just being pregnant and the only people that know are myself, Paul, and Rylee :)
Oh goodness, I'm so excited to be typing this post (even though I won't be publishing it for quite some time)! I took a test this morning and I am pregnant AGAIN! As much as I wanted to tell Paul in a fun way, I called him immediately. There was no keeping that a secret for any longer than I had to. With Preston's due date just 4 days away, this has got to be the best time for us to find out. I immediately praised God and thanked Him for giving us this opportunity again and answering my prayers. God's will is such an amazing thing.
As much as I thought I would be scared or worried, I'm so thrilled to be embarking on this journey again. Most likely for the last time- I don't know what the outcome will be of this pregnancy, but no matter what I don't know that I want to go through the stress of trying to get pregnant and then dealing with early pregnancy and the worry that causes again. I do feel like fostering or adopting is in our future though- but that is a different subject for a different time.
The whole focus right now is I'M PREGNANT AGAIN! :) I haven't called the doctor yet because I want to let everything sink it before having to worry about doc appts and ultrasounds and blood tests, etc. I just want to enjoy these few moments of just being pregnant and the only people that know are myself, Paul, and Rylee :)
Saturday, April 27, 2013
38 weeks
Today is significant for me for 2 reasons.
First, today I would've been 38 weeks pregnant. This is important to me because I had Rylee at 38 weeks pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant with Preston I counted out 38 weeks and figured I would have a baby close to or around this day. However true or false that could have been- lets face it all babies are different and come whenever they chose- it was what I thought in my head.
Secondly, today it has been exactly 5 months since the last time I heard Preston's heart beat. I'll never forget that moment- I had a video but I think Rylee accidentally deleted it- because it is forever engrained in my brain. I'll never forget how scared I knew he was, and that he was in pain. It was probably one of the scariest moments of my pregnancy- other than waiting for the confirmation that he was no longer with us.
The fact that these 2 events have fallen on the same day has proven emotionally difficult for me. I slept most of the day away, and has tried to compensate the sad feelings with spending time with my family and enjoying what I do have in my life. As we get closer to May 11th I feel Paul and I being closer and farther apart at the same time- it's hard to explain. I feel like I'm leaning on him more for things around the house, but emotionally I'm going into my own place. I know this isn't healthy or right, but it's just something that has been happening- or at least for me it has, I can't really speak for him. Hopefully we can get back to being on the same page in all respects.
On a happier, more positive note! Rylee turned 2 years 4 months old today- I know monthly birthdays aren't as important anymore, but I love counting down and getting to the 27th each month. She's learning and growing so much each month that I can hardly imagine when she was a newborn anymore. She loves to read and to sing and to dance and to draw/color. She can even draw a smiley face on her own. Its the cutest thing.
Even better, we claimed this little beauty as our own today. Sweet Harlee will be coming to live with us in about a month when she's 6 weeks old.
First, today I would've been 38 weeks pregnant. This is important to me because I had Rylee at 38 weeks pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant with Preston I counted out 38 weeks and figured I would have a baby close to or around this day. However true or false that could have been- lets face it all babies are different and come whenever they chose- it was what I thought in my head.
Secondly, today it has been exactly 5 months since the last time I heard Preston's heart beat. I'll never forget that moment- I had a video but I think Rylee accidentally deleted it- because it is forever engrained in my brain. I'll never forget how scared I knew he was, and that he was in pain. It was probably one of the scariest moments of my pregnancy- other than waiting for the confirmation that he was no longer with us.
The fact that these 2 events have fallen on the same day has proven emotionally difficult for me. I slept most of the day away, and has tried to compensate the sad feelings with spending time with my family and enjoying what I do have in my life. As we get closer to May 11th I feel Paul and I being closer and farther apart at the same time- it's hard to explain. I feel like I'm leaning on him more for things around the house, but emotionally I'm going into my own place. I know this isn't healthy or right, but it's just something that has been happening- or at least for me it has, I can't really speak for him. Hopefully we can get back to being on the same page in all respects.
On a happier, more positive note! Rylee turned 2 years 4 months old today- I know monthly birthdays aren't as important anymore, but I love counting down and getting to the 27th each month. She's learning and growing so much each month that I can hardly imagine when she was a newborn anymore. She loves to read and to sing and to dance and to draw/color. She can even draw a smiley face on her own. Its the cutest thing.
Even better, we claimed this little beauty as our own today. Sweet Harlee will be coming to live with us in about a month when she's 6 weeks old.
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